Hidden Wounds
by Aon Duine
Summary: Kate realizes that she is not the only one dealing with the trauma of her shooting. How will she handle it when Castle is the one falling apart?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.**

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><p>Castle had saved her from a gunshot before, but this time was different.<p>

They hadn't been expecting anyone when they went back to the crime scene to see if they had missed something. The door of the apartment was still locked, nothing looked out of place. Beckett had been inspecting the contents of a bookshelf and trying to come up with a theory that would make sense when suddenly Castle barreled into her, knocking her to the floor behind a convenient couch, just as a shot rang out.

She had struggled up from under him and grabbed her gun, trying to determine the location of the shooter. Five minutes later she managed to hit him, and had him on the ground in cuffs.

Proud, she allowed herself the opportunity to flash Castle a victory smile. The smile froze on her lips. Castle was sitting where she had left him, behind the couch, with his head in his hands. He was shaking from head to toe. After making sure the shooter was secure, she walked over and kneeled down in front of him.

Unsure of herself, she put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey," she said.

He slowly raised his head.

When his eyes met hers she flinched. His warm blue eyes that usually held such laughter and love were now full of cold terror. His shaking got worse as his eyes darted from her face to different points beside and behind her.

"Castle? Hey… hey Castle, it's me. It's Beckett. What's wrong?" Kate let her eyes wander over his body, checking for signs of injury. He didn't appear to be hurt.

"Castle?"

He continued to shake, and squeezed his eyes shut, his breathing quick and erratic.

"Rick," she said, more softly, "Rick, open your eyes."

Castle opened his eyes again, this time doing a better job of focusing on her face.

"Rick, you need to calm down. Just breathe. You're fine. I'm fine. I'm right here." She put a hand on his face, caressing his cheek in soothing motions, and allowing her other hand to gently rub his arm.

She continued to speak soothingly and slowly, and Castle's breathing slowed. Some of the terror left his eyes, replaced by exhaustion.

When Kate felt he might be doing better, she took his hands in hers and drew him to a standing position. She knew they only had a minute or two before the backup she had called for would get there, and she felt that whatever had just happened was probably not something he would want to deal with in public.

"Castle?" She said, still watching him carefully.

He sighed. "Yes?"

"We're going to have company very soon, but I will be right here if you need me, ok? Stay close. And then I'm going to take you home."

Castle just nodded, too tired to argue. Kate was worried. For her writer to be so quiet just seemed… wrong. She heard commotion coming from outside and knew the backup had arrived.

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><p>Castle stood out of the way while Kate talked to the officers and helped put the shooter in custody. Apparently he was also the guy that shot their vic, but Castle couldn't make himself pay attention to the details. He couldn't even remember what connection the guy had to the case.<p>

He watched Kate as she moved around the room, taking care of business and answering questions in her no-nonsense detective voice. Every now and then an image would flash in front of his eyes: Kate, bleeding. Kate, her eyes closing. Kate, gasping for breath. Castle shook his head and tried to focus on the Kate in front of him. Alive, breathing, competent. Eventually she finished and headed back to him.

"You ready to get out of here?" She asked, looking tentatively at him. He knew she was uncertain and concerned. He could tell he had really shaken her. He tried to come up with something to say to ease her concern, but he just didn't have the energy to pretend. He couldn't rebuild his defenses fast enough to act like he was fine.

He settled on answering her question. "Yeah."

They got into the crown vic and Kate took him to his apartment. Neither of them spoke during the drive. When they got there, Kate took a deep breath and looked at him. Castle felt himself close off. He didn't want to have this conversation right now – couldn't have this conversation right now. Kate seemed to sense his wariness.

"Castle, are Martha and Alexis home?"

"No. Martha's on a girls' trip with some of her old friends and Alexis decided that was a good idea and scheduled a girls' weekend for herself." Castle felt relieved to know he wouldn't have to face his family. They would know immediately that something was wrong.

Castle got out of the car and tried to give Kate a reassuring smile. "Sorry about today. I'm just… tired. I'm going to go get some sleep." He didn't even give her a chance to protest before he left her there and headed up to his apartment.

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><p>Kate sat in the car staring at Castle's retreating form for a few minutes before making a decision. She didn't know what had just happened, but she wasn't going to let her partner… her friend… go home alone when he was so obviously hurting.<p>

She parked the car and waved to the doorman before heading up to Castle's loft. She stood a moment in front of the door to gather her courage, and then knocked.

When he didn't answer, she knocked again.

On the third knock, Castle opened the door, but just a foot, blocking the entrance to the apartment with his body. He seemed unsurprised to see her. They stared at each other a moment, neither saying anything.

"Can I come in?"

Castle sighed and leaned forward until his forehead was resting on the doorjamb, closing his eyes.

"I don't know if that is a good idea, Kate."

"Why not?"

Castle didn't answer.

"Look, Castle," Kate paused, wondering what to say. She decided to go with honesty, "I don't think you should be alone right now. I'm not sure what's going on, but please let me at least keep you company for a while."

Castle didn't answer, didn't invite her in, but left the door open as he walked away.

Taking a deep breath, Kate followed him in and closed the door behind her.

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><p><strong>This if the first time I have ever published my fan fiction. The story continues and I would be thrilled to keep posting if anyone is interested. Best, AD.<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 2**

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><p>Castle knew Kate would follow him into his apartment. He knew how determined and strong-willed she could be, and he knew she would not let it go.<p>

He walked straight from the door to his bar, and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. He poured the amber liquid into a glass and swiftly knocked it back, before pouring another.

"Would you like a drink?" He asked her.

"Sure." Castle pulled out another glass and poured her a whiskey. When he looked up she was standing halfway between the living room and the kitchen, watching him uncertainly. He walked to her and handed her the glass, and then went and sat on the couch, taking a slow pull on his own drink.

The whiskey was starting to warm his veins, and his frazzled nerves began to relax. But not enough. He felt raw, drained.

He watched as Kate walked over to where he was sitting. He wanted to touch her so badly, to assure himself that she was alive and warm and to feel her heart beating, but that wasn't part of the role he was allowed to play. If he wanted to keep his part in their little drama then he must be the perfect actor.

He watched her contemplate where to sit and what to do with herself. She finally settled on sitting on the couch, next to him but slightly apart, making sure, he felt, not to touch him. He tried not to sigh and took another drink to dull the ache that her nearness caused.

"So." She said.

Castle looked at her. He had been filling awkward silences for almost four years now. He decided it was her turn.

When it became obvious he wasn't going to speak, Kate continued.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kate asked.

"No." Castle said, and took another slow drink. He swirled the liquid in his glass, knowing he was being petulant and rude, but not able to stop. The day's events had uncovered wounds that had never healed, wounds she didn't even know existed. Wounds he had hidden to protect her. Always to protect her. Even if she didn't want him to.

Even if she didn't want _him_.

"Castle, you were having a panic attack. I know what that looks like. I know the symptoms."

Castle kept staring at the glass.

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><p>Kate was frustrated. Her normally overly verbose writer wouldn't talk to her. He wouldn't even look at her. When she mentioned the panic attack, she was sure he would crack – was sure he would talk to her – but he just stared at his whiskey glass.<p>

"Castle, you have to talk to me." He closed his eyes. She thought that perhaps she was getting closer.

"Rick…please?"

Suddenly he stood up, letting out an exasperated breath.

"Please?" He said, turning on her. "Please? Please what, Kate? What do you really want from me tonight? Because I know for a fact that you don't really want to know what's going on with me. That would require talking about our relationship. It would require talking about…things you don't want to discuss. Or admit. Or even recognize."

Kate was astounded. His words were angry, brutal, but his eyes were…pained…hurt.

"Rick…"

"No, Kate. I'm going to bed." Castle knocked back the remaining portion of his drink and headed toward his bedroom. He paused for a moment and half turned toward her.

"Please lock the door behind you." With that he was through the door and gone.

Kate let out the breath she didn't even know she was holding. "Castle…" she breathed. His outburst had shocked her. She stared at the loft, looking at the bookshelves and furniture eerily reflected by the low light. She leaned back on the couch, thinking about everything that had happened today.

She had to admit to herself that she knew what was going on. She had never really allowed herself to think about Castle's reaction to her shooting. She knew it had been hard – profoundly difficult – for him. But with all of her own emotional scarring and struggles to recover, she had never thought that perhaps Castle had his own PTSD to work through.

Kate upended her own whiskey glass, and set the glass on the coffee table. His dismissal had hurt, and in a brief flash of anger after his comment about locking the door she had thought about fleeing.

She wondered if she had pushed him too far. She herself had often begged him for space, pushed him away, and refused to talk about the terror of the summer's events. And Castle had always backed off, always allowed her that space, never pushed.

Kate knew he was trying to protect her. As she thought about it, Kate suddenly saw these actions in a new light. Castle was also struggling with the molten core of pain and terror that surrounded those events. Perhaps he was just as terrified of confronting that pain as she was.

She stared at Castle's door, and knew she was not going to leave him tonight.

Kate stretched out on the couch. Lying there in the darkness of Castle's loft, Kate forced herself to see the summer's horrific events through Castle's eyes.

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><p>Castle sagged on the edge of his bed, realizing that he had probably just made a huge mistake. He rolled onto his bed and stared at the wall, reliving the events that often kept him awake at night.<p>

The glimpse of something shiny in the cemetery. The realization that it was a weapon. The slow motion dive to try to get to Kate. Her surprised gasp as the bullet entered her chest. Her gasping breaths, full of pain. His desperate attempts to hold onto her, to put pressure on the wound, to stop the life from leaving her. The confession, wrenched from his soul. Losing her in the ambulance. And then gaining her back only to lose her again.

Castle felt himself begin to shake again and forced his mind away from those images.

The summer had been agony. Her absence meant that he had nothing with which to soothe the panic and the pain. He knew she was alive, but couldn't verify it. The nightmares got worse.

And then he was allowed back into her world, back into her life. And he knew that she had heard him. That she knew. That she had purposefully pushed him away. And so he pretended. He played the old role. He played "Castle," the writer monkey, the silly friend with the crazy theories.

He held on to her as tightly as he could by pretending to be fine, by being her rock, by not letting her know that he himself was crumbling inside. He let her get away with hiding from him, because he was afraid of her reaction to his own hidden pain.

And tonight the nightmares, the panic that he managed to keep carefully hidden, had come crashing down on him with the man who had shot at Beckett.

The scene had been like a sick instant replay of Montgomery's funeral. Even as she struggled up and grabbed her gun to go after the guy he felt he was trapped in a world where she was bleeding in his arms. He was certain he had lost her.

Castle ran a hand through his hair and let out a frustrated breath. He knew she felt broken. If she had any idea how broken he was she would run so fast he would never catch her.

He just needed a bit of space. A bit of time. If she would have just gone home he could have adjusted, regained his equilibrium. Now he had in all probability driven her further away. He would have to begin building again, begin to rebuild her trust in him.

He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned quietly as he replayed his words. The outburst had been unintentional, but her quiet pleas had pierced his soul and his defenses were down. He had needed to get out of there, to cut off the conversation and escape before he broke down right in front of her.

Castle chuckled to himself derisively. She thought _she_ had walls. He had built some solid defenses around his own wounds over the summer, and they were currently in shambles around his feet. He needed time to rebuild those walls, hiding the cracks in his composure, time to make himself strong again and be the rock she needed.

Tomorrow he would have to try and repair the damage he had done tonight. If she would let him.

It was going to be a restless night.

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><p>Castle tossed and turned most of the night, and finally got a few hours of fitful sleep before he gave up and decided to begin the day and face the consequences of his actions.<p>

He pondered how to approach Beckett. He would head to the precinct. With coffee. Maybe he could get away with pretending like nothing had happened… they did that all the time, right?

Castle sighed. He was pretty sure that was not going to work this time.

Stepping heavily into the living room he headed to the kitchen to make coffee. As he grabbed the carafe he noticed shoes sitting next to the couch. Heels. High heels. _Very_ high heels.

Castle quietly walked to the edge of the living room. He almost dropped the carafe. There was Kate, sprawled out and very much asleep on his couch, her hair spread out behind her and her arm dangling over the side. He had been certain she would leave, and he couldn't believe she had stayed after his outburst last night.

Castle stood there watching her for a long moment. She was sleeping, but not relaxed. He could see the worry lines etched on her face, and her jaw seemed to be clenched.

Castle walked over to her and kneeled down by her side. Slowly, so slowly, he reached out and drew his fingers along her jawline.

Kate sighed in her sleep and her jaw relaxed. Castle traced the lines on her face and watched the tension slowly melt away. She was so beautiful. As he caressed her cheek she leaned into his hand and rolled towards him, letting out a small noise of contentment.

Castle quickly removed his hand and backed away, letting out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He was getting in too deep. What if she had woken up? She would kill him.

And yet he couldn't help the feeling of happiness that began to bubble up inside when she turned into his caress.

Castle shook his head. He needed to get his head out of the clouds. Beckett was going to wake up soon and he needed a plan.

Well, at least he needed breakfast. And coffee.

The morning was about to become interesting.

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><p><strong>Thank you all for your kind words and support. Since this is my first published fanfic I didn't know what to expect, and I am absolutely thrilled that anyone thought it was worth reading. More to come...<strong>

**Best, AD**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 3**

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><p>Kate smelled coffee. And bacon. She groped toward consciousness, confused.<p>

She blinked her eyes against the morning light and realized she was not in her apartment. It looked like…Castle's loft…

Oh.

The previous day's and evening's events came crashing down on her, shocking her to full wakefulness. She sat up on the couch and looked over to see Castle busily working on breakfast.

Stretching, she slowly walked over to the counter, watching him warily.

"Well, good morning sleepy head. Breakfast is almost ready." Castle smiled warmly at her, but she now could tell something she hadn't been able to tell before. She could see the pain and fear in his eyes when he looked at her. It was carefully masked by his normal good humor, but it was there, and it was raw.

Castle placed a steaming mug of coffee in front of her and turned back to the breakfast.

She watched him work, and made herself really pay attention to her partner. He seemed to be his normal self, but he wasn't. Kate wondered how she had not managed to notice it before, this act he was putting on for her sake.

"Breakfast is served." He put a plate of bacon and eggs in front of her with a triumphant flair, and sat down with his own plate in the spot adjacent to her. They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts. Kate watched him out of the corner of her eye. He seemed focused on his plate, obviously avoiding her gaze.

Kate poked at her eggs. She tried to think of a way to begin a conversation.

"This is very good, but you didn't have to make breakfast, Castle, I could have just grabbed something." She could have smacked herself. That sounded so…ungrateful.

"Nonsense," Castle replied, waving his fork in the air for emphasis, "I always make breakfast for beautiful detectives I find on my couch. It's a cardinal Castle rule. When waking an armed detective, always be prepared with food. See? Rule." Even when she said something stupid he found a way to put everything at ease.

He grinned at her and gave her a wink. He was trying to keep it light, trying to take their relationship back to the normal banter and play and away from the serious topics yesterday's events had raised.

"Castle, you certainly don't have to feel obligated to feed me. Especially when I just crashed at your place. I mean, I wasn't even…" _invited_… Kate realized what she had been about to say and bit her lower lip, looking at Castle from underneath her eyelashes and wondering if that might have gone too far.

Castle looked at her for a long moment.

"Kate, even when you aren't officially invited, you are always welcome in my home." At his serious tone her eyes flew to his. Kate blinked at the honesty of his words.

She opened her mouth but before she could respond, Castle went on: "Besides, now I can have a field day teasing the guys about you spending the night!"

Kate clamped her mouth shut and glared at him. He raised his hands, chuckling. "Kidding."

She always knew he often used humor to allow her a way out of situations that were becoming tense, but now she realized he also used it to give himself some space. She had been so grateful to him for the humor, for giving her cover for her quick retreats. But now Kate wondered how many other times Castle had used his famous charm and charismatic quips as cover for his own retreat. She had been so busy running herself that she had never noticed.

Castle began to clear away the dishes. Kate shifted in her seat. The whole morning seemed surreal. She wasn't sure what she had expected to happen this morning after last night's events, but being served breakfast over light-hearted banter was certainly not it.

It was quickly becoming apparent that Castle was just going to gloss over the whole incident.

_And isn't that exactly what you constantly demand of him?_ A niggling voice sneered in the back of her mind. She needed to do something... something to get him to talk to her.

Kate cocked her head to the side and studied him as she would a crime scene, looking for a way into the problem.

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><p>Castle washed the dishes slowly, taking longer than he normally would to give himself a chance to regroup.<p>

The little sleep he had gotten had given him a chance to regain some of his distance, but he still felt that he was walking on a steep precipice, and that one wrong step could send him tumbling back down.

Breakfast had gone relatively well, considering the circumstances. He had even been able to crack a few jokes.

Her comment about how he didn't have to feel obligated to her had cut harshly. He needed her to know it wasn't obligation. He would always, _always_, do what he could to care for her. Because he wanted to.

_Because you love her._ He pushed that thought down as it arose, unbidden, to his mind. They'd become very adept at reading subtext, and when her startled eyes had flown to his after his declaration he was certain she could hear the emotion beneath the words.

Fear had gripped him as her mouth opened and he realized he had once again overstepped his "writer monkey" role. So he quickly cracked a joke, diffusing the situation, before she had a chance to push him away again.

_And now you're hiding in soapy dishwater. Smooth. Really smooth._ Castle gave his head a small shake and grabbed a dry towel. If he could just play this role a little longer, just keep up the act, maybe he could make it until she headed out. Castle dried his hands on the towel as he turned to face his partner.

"So, Beckett, what are the plans for…" he trailed off as he finally looked at her. She hadn't moved, but was sitting where he had left her staring at him intensely, her head canted slightly to the side. He recognized that look. It was the piercing, concentrated gaze she used in full detective mode. Even with messy hair and rumpled clothes from her night on the couch she managed to exude calm authority.

_She really was exquisite._

He wondered if she saw him as a crime scene. He almost snorted at himself for that. He was a crime scene.

Once again he felt she was waiting for him to speak. Once again she had given him nothing and expected him to fill in the blanks. Once again he was left to deal with her silence.

His skin felt tight as the raw emotions he had been keeping in check began to boil up again. His hands clenched involuntarily as he fought to keep his agitation under control.

And still she remained sitting on the kitchen tool, calmly watching him with that penetrating gaze. How did she manage to do this to him? Over and over, the scene ended with her coolly walking away, getting in the last word, while he crumbled inside, falling apart and tripping over himself to do the right thing, to say the right words, to play the right game.

_No. No more._ He decided. It was time to turn the tables.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 4**

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><p>When Castle finally turned around from doing the dishes, he caught her watching him. She had been about to break off guiltily when she realized he was growing agitated under her gaze. Briefly, she wondered if she could make him angry enough to talk. Maybe it wasn't the best way to go about it… but she was out of ideas.<p>

She forced herself to remain calm and continue her searching look. She kept her breathing even despite the racing of her heart.

Kate watched as Castle's hands clenched at his sides, one still gripping the towel. When a muscle ticked in his jaw, she thought he was close to breaking.

But then his entire body relaxed. He gave her a wolfish grin, and the next moment Kate watched, stunned, as he raked his eyes over her body. She gave a start as he threw the towel onto the counter and began to walk toward her, slowly, purposefully.

Kate felt she had stopped breathing, and all pretense of her cool and calm manner had disintegrated. Sudden images danced in her mind: Castle, sweeping her into his arms, Castle, fisting his hands in her hair, Castle, his lips warm and wet against her own.

And then…

He was walking past her, striding out of the kitchen and into his office. Kate could hear him opening his laptop, and then the steady tapping of his fingers on the keyboard.

Kate let out a long, slow breath and tried to calm her racing pulse.

She drew a shaking hand through her hair, and realized how tangled it was from sleeping on the couch. Kate sighed. She was a mess. In more ways than one.

This was the second time she had been sure she was about to get Castle to talk to her, and both attempts had ended in failure. Both had ended with Castle walking out of the room. She knew he was hurting. She knew he needed something, but she had no idea how to help him.

Kate pondered what to do. She needed him to talk to her, needed to make sure he knew she was there for him. Why was he avoiding her? She let out a frustrated breath. Why wouldn't he just talk to her?

As she thought this she tamped down the voice that began laughing at her. _Aren't you the queen of avoiding difficult conversations? And now you want him to talk? Hypocrite, much?_

Kate sighed again. She decided that maybe she was going about this the wrong way. No more indirect attempts.

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><p>Once Castle had made his decision he felt his whole body relax. First things first. He needed to disturb that calm demeanor of hers. He dropped the dish towel on the counter and gave Kate a wolfish grin, letting his gaze rake over her.<p>

He saw her give a start, surprised by his obvious perusal of her body.

When he knew he had managed to unbalance her, he walked past her into the office, not even glancing back as he sat at his desk. He pulled out his laptop and opened his most recent file, and began typing away.

This time, she was going to come to him. He didn't want to have this conversation, and so if she wanted something, she was going to have to articulate it. He was going to play her role for a change, and she was going to have to play his.

He forced himself to work, just typing anything that came into his head. It probably wouldn't be worth anything in terms of the chapter he was working on, but he was more focused on keeping the tapping on the keyboard steady than perfecting each sentence.

Eventually he heard her moving in the other room. He wondered if she would come to him or decide to leave. He knew she wasn't working this weekend, but he half-expected her to offer work as an excuse to retreat.

Out of the corner of his eye he caught her presence as she moved to stand in the doorway of his office. He forced himself to keep his breathing even and forced his fingers to continue typing.

"Castle, we need to talk." Her tone was direct, and just shy of demanding.

He paused momentarily, and then continued typing as he responded. "I'm happy to talk, Kate. What would you like to talk about? The weather is always a nice topic."

"No, Castle. No more avoiding." She entered the room and moved closer, standing just in front of him. "I want to talk about what happened yesterday."

Castle stopped typing and looked at her for a moment. "I don't." He watched the surprise bloom on her face, and then watched as she immediately suppressed it.

"Castle, you need to talk about this. It's not good to bottle this stuff up inside."

"Speaking from experience, there, Kate?"

"I just mean, I'm here to help. To listen. I know what you're going through…"

Castle couldn't stop the angry exhalation. "You know what I'm going through? Really? How is that Kate? Tell me. What am I going through?"

Kate colored, and he wondered if she was embarrassed. "I just meant…the panic attack. I know what a panic attack looks like – "

Castle cut her off, "And feels like?"

Kate paused, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. She closed her eyes on a small sigh. "Yes, and what it feels like." She opened her eyes and trained them back on his. "I want you to know that you can talk to me. About what you're going through."

"Well, how nice." Castle tried to keep the sarcasm out of his voice but couldn't quite contain it. "Would you like to tell me what you're going through, Kate? Would you like to talk about last summer? Or this past fall?"

"What? I-Castle, don't make this about me. I'm trying to help."

"Don't make this about you." The statement landed like lead.

"Kate, you told me you wanted space, that you needed time. I have given that to you. And since we have still not had a conversation about it, I assume you still want space and time. I did not demand that you talk to me about being shot" – he watched her flinch and felt a momentary pang of guilt – "and I have not pushed or forced you to tell me about your recovery. Now tell me. If you know what I'm going through, if what we're going through is so similar, how can it be that I must _need_ to talk to you, when you never needed to to talk to me?"

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><p>Kate gaped at him, trying to figure out how she had gotten to this place in the conversation. One thing had become very clear. Castle was not going to open up to her about this.<p>

Why did this bother her so much?

Because she had always felt that Castle trusted her completely. That she held the power in the relationship. _He_ was waiting for _her_. She dropped her eyes, a feeling like humiliation working its way up her spine.

She realized that she had given him nothing. All summer, as she had worked through the pain, physical and emotional, she had clung to the fact that he loved her. Knowing that he was waiting had been a lifeline. The nightmares and paranoia had been intense, but she was able to get through it, was able to put one foot in front of the other, because she knew he was out there, somewhere, loving her.

She was suddenly painfully aware of her ruminations the night before, when she had, for the first time, seriously attempted to see the summer's events from his point of view.

She had hidden from him because she was broken, because she didn't want him to see her so broken. But she still had his support. All through her recovery, even though he wasn't physically there, she had leaned on her knowledge of how much he cared for her.

Now that she knew Castle had also been broken, she knew he had dealt with the aftermath of the trauma alone. Completely alone. He had no secret recollections of her declaration of love. He had no idea if she ever planned to return.

In fact, he had still believed she was with another man, that she was perhaps building an entire life with someone else, leaving him on the outside.

She needed to fix this. She couldn't lose him. She needed him to trust her. She needed him…

That was all, really. She needed him.

Although as soon as this thought crossed her mind, she realized it wasn't enough. It wasn't just that she needed him, it was that…

…she…

Kate steeled herself and forced herself to face the truth, a truth she had known for quite some time.

She loved him.

Oh god.

What had she done?

Her eyes flew back to his as panic set in.

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><p><strong>Thank you to everyone for reading and for your kind words! Best, A.D.<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 5**

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><p>Castle could have kicked himself. He had wanted to turn the tables, but he hadn't meant to let all of his pent-up frustration spill out. Quite the opposite – his goal had been to keep working and to keep his mouth shut and let <em>her<em> scramble to find words for once.

Well… it had worked…sort of. She appeared to be completely at a loss for words.

But when her eyes had returned to his he saw panic set in.

She was going to run again.

Castle steeled himself for the pain of yet another rejection. He briefly pondered trying to put her at ease, but realized he had gone too far. There was no going back.

So he watched her solemnly, waiting to see what she decided to do.

When she turned and headed toward the door he felt ice shoot through his veins. He wanted to beg her to stay with him, wanted to beg her to fight for him, just once. But he knew he couldn't do that. He was supposed to be the rock. He was the one who gave strength, not the one who needed it.

And then…

Instead of leaving, Kate turned just shy of the door and began pacing, still in his office.

If she had been watching him she would have seen that it was his turn to gape at her.

She hadn't left.

At least… not yet…

Castle schooled his features back to normal and watched her pace. She looked like a caged lion, all pent-up energy and no idea how to escape her captivity.

Eventually she stopped, facing away from him. He could see her long, slender fingers twitching in agitation as she thought. She took a deep breath as though gathering courage. Castle anxiously wondered what the courage was for.

Slowly she turned and faced him, her solemn eyes seeking his. They looked at each other a long moment.

Kate moved back to him, until she was once again right in front of his chair. He looked up at her uncertainly, wondering what she was going to do next.

* * *

><p>Kate's heart was pounding so loudly she was sure Castle could hear it from where he was sitting. The panic that began to fill her when she finally accepted the truth about her feelings for him had practically exploded in her chest when she forced herself to acknowledge what she had done to him. It was too much… she couldn't breathe…<p>

And Castle… he looked…heartbroken. She had to move.

Kate had forced her eyes away from Castle's, forced herself to walk, just to expend some of the energy racing through her.

She felt helpless, and more than a little lost. But she knew she needed to give him something. He had been giving and giving for years now. He gave willingly and unselfishly, never expecting or demanding anything in return.

As she paced she contemplated what he said. Why had she never spoken to him about the shooting? Or the months of working toward recovery?

Because she wanted to be strong. She wanted him to see her strong and whole, not broken and terrified.

He was wrong, though. She _did_ need to talk to him. But she was afraid he would think less of her. Their relationship had been founded on the fact that she challenged him, that she didn't back down, and she was afraid that revealing her weakness would mean she wasn't the person he thought she was.

That she might not be the person he loved.

That he might be in love with a Kate Beckett that didn't really exist.

Suddenly she stopped.

_What if he felt the same way?_

Kate took a minute to allow this new thought to grow.

_What if he also felt he needed to be strong and whole, that he couldn't allow her to see his weakness because it might change her vision of him? _

If that was true, what could she do? She would have laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation if she hadn't been so emotionally involved.

And what if she was wrong? What if Castle _was_ in love with strong Kate Beckett, and didn't want to have anything to do with the mess that was the real Kate Beckett?

Kate took a long, slow breath. _No_, she thought, _it's my turn to give_.

She was finally going to give him something. And if it turned out she was wrong, that he really only wanted the façade of a strong Beckett, then she would have to handle that when it happened.

Kate turned, and looked at him for a long moment.

_No more hurting him out of fear._

Gathering her nerve, Kate moved forward.

* * *

><p>Kate leaned forward and gently took his laptop from his lap. He had completely forgotten it until she moved. He sat up a little straighter in his office chair as she placed it on the desk, and then turned back to him.<p>

Nothing in his wildest dreams would have prepared him for what she did next.

In one graceful movement she softly placed her hands on his and kneeled down in front of him. She bowed her head for a moment and Castle was afraid to breathe as her thumbs gently stroked over the back of his hand.

"Castle, I-"

Her voice caught, and he held himself perfectly still, careful not to startle her. When she raised her eyes to his they were shimmering with tears.

"Rick. You are right. You are absolutely right. I haven't been fair-"

Castle began to protest but she went on, refusing to let him cut her off.

"I haven't been fair. And you deserve so much better than me-"

"Kate, I-"

"No, Castle, please listen to me. You deserve better than what I have given you. And you are always…you always give me what I need."

She paused…

"I have to…tell you something."

Here she cut off, looking down again. He saw tears spill down her cheeks, and she took one of her hands away to hastily wipe them on her shirtsleeve before returning it to his.

"I… I remember what happened. When I was shot. I remember the whole thing."

She raised her eyes to his again, squeezing his hands tightly.

"I remember what you said. I have always remembered. I never forgot. I remembered from the moment I woke up."

Castle felt frozen, numb. He had known. He had known since he had first seen her awake in the hospital. He knew when she told him that some things were best not remembered. He tried to figure out how he felt about hearing it, about having his knowledge confirmed, but he mostly felt empty.

"I lied to you, Rick." The tears started flowing again, but she didn't bother to wipe them.

"There is…there is no excuse for that."

"I want-" Her voice caught again but she went on. "I want to tell you why I lied. Roy had been a father figure, and finding out that he…that someone I had trusted so much…someone I thought I knew… was tangled up in my mother's murder…"

She took another breath and continued.

"Then I was shot."

Castle flinched, and started to pull away, but he felt Kate grip his hands more tightly, making soothing circles with her thumb just as he had done with her when he had dropped off Royal at her apartment.

"I remember what it felt like. The bullet ripping through me. It was like the world exploded in pain. I remember feeling you slam into me and knock me to the ground. The pain was so intense that I was confused. I couldn't concentrate enough to really figure out what had happened, I just knew I was in pain, that I couldn't breathe."

Castle felt himself begin to shake with the memory. He couldn't stop the memories from flashing through his mind, and he could feel tears stinging his own eyes.

"Then all I could see was you. Your face leaning over mine. Your eyes. God, Rick," Kate's eyes closed briefly, and then opened back to his, "your eyes were terrified. I've never seen that look in your eyes."

Kate brought her hand up to his face, and slowly wiped away a tear he hadn't realized had leaked out.

"And then you said you loved me. Everything began to swim after that, I wasn't sure what was real anymore. There were brief flashes of pain and light. I remember a ceiling, and the beeping of a heart monitor, and then nothing. Nothing until I woke up."

Castle leaned into Kate's hand on his cheek, needing to feel her.

"Those first days were…hard. I was hurting, physically and emotionally. I was weak. I couldn't do anything for myself, and I felt…"

"…I felt broken."

Kate paused, and gave his cheek another caress before returning her had to his. Her eyes left his and focused on their joined hands. He immediately missed its warmth on his face.

"And then there was Josh."

Castle jerked as if slapped, but she kept her hold strong on his hands, not letting him go.

"You came in when we were talking. And…"

Kate stopped.

"What, Kate?" he prompted, needing her to go on.

"This isn't going to be easy to hear. Or to say."

Castle squeezed her hands, giving her silent support. "Tell me. Please." He said simply. Kate nodded.

"When I saw you the first time, your eyes…they still looked terrified. They were still haunted. And suddenly it was as though I was back in the cemetery, back on the ground. I couldn't separate you from what had happened." Kate began to sob, her head dropping to his lap.

"Oh, Kate." He allowed himself to put an arm around her, awkward because of their position, rubbing circles on her back as she sobbed.

"It's okay, Kate, you had just been shot."

"No, it's not okay." She suddenly straightened back up, a fierce light in her eyes.

"I ran away from you because I didn't want you to see how much of a mess I was. I was paranoid and terrified of everything and so broken I couldn't even tell what was real from what was a flashback. And I kept running, even after I came back."

"Because I was the one that caused you to flash back. I was triggering the PTSD."

"No, Rick. That first time, maybe, but pretty much anything would set it off in the beginning. I ran away from you because I was a coward."

Castle looked at her in shock.

"I lied to you because I thought…I didn't want you to know that the person you said you loved was a damaged, terrified, mess. You fell in love with Detective Beckett, cool, calm, in control Detective Beckett. You wrote Nikki Heat from Detective Beckett. But Detective Beckett, she doesn't really exist. When you look at me, Rick, you look at me like you think I can conquer the world. I want to be that person for you. I don't want you to look at me with the terror I saw that day I was shot. I don't want to let you down."

Kate leaned forward slightly, the intensity of her gaze heating, and Castle couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth.

"But I did let you down. I left you. I didn't realize it at the time. You always give me what I need, and I didn't even stop for one second to consider what you needed."

Kate brought one hand back to cup his face, her fingertips just sliding into his hair and he suppressed a shudder at the feel of her fingertips on his scalp. "I am so sorry. I want to give you what you need. Just…just tell me what you need. If you need to talk, I will listen. If you need to yell, well, I probably deserve it. Even if you need me to leave you alone, I will… I will try…"

Castle stared at her, in awe of her strength. She had finally done it. She had finally opened up to him. He knew this was a show of trust, and he also knew the enormity of how difficult it must have been to make herself so vulnerable. And yet she had done it.

For him.

Castle felt as if the whole world were expanding, the resulting space letting in a rush of air around him.

She was still watching him…waiting…waiting for what?

Castle forced himself to bring his thoughts back into focus from the exhilaration of this moment.

_Oh…right…she wants to know what I need._

He needed so many things.

She was sitting so close, her hand still in his hair and her eyes, uncertain, on his. He could feel her breath on his face. And suddenly the months of holding back, of giving her space, were too much. He needed…

He needed her. Since he had watched her die in his arms he had needed to feel her. He needed to feel she was alive.

Castle decided to take the risk. Quickly closing the distance between them, pressed his lips to hers.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you again to everyone for reading, and thank you for the thoughtful reviews. I know it's been a bit angsty, but they have some heavy stuff to work through. Don't worry, though - it can't stay angsty forever! Best, A.D.<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 6**

* * *

><p>Kate nearly jumped out of her skin when he pulled her close, pressing his lips to hers.<p>

The kiss was firm, but not rough. He was tasting, but not demanding. His mouth was warm and comforting, caressing her lips with his own.

He pulled back slightly and looked at her, his eyes darkened and his breathing quicker than normal. She could almost see the thoughts race through his head as he tried to figure out how she felt about this.

Kate didn't make him wait long to find out.

She reached up and pulled his face back to hers, moving to raise herself out of her kneeling position and sitting in his lap.

He gasped into her kiss as his arms came up around her, gripping her hard. She could feel his fingers digging into the flesh at her waist, and heat began to fill her.

She draped her arms around his neck, and tried not to lose herself in the feeling of his warm arms wrapped around hers, his warm lips caressing her own.

She lazily ran her fingers through his hair, relishing the sensation, pressing herself more firmly into his embrace and savoring the soft texture of his lips on hers.

She shivered as Castle's tongue traced a slow path across her bottom lip. She felt like she was burning, and she wanted him to burn with her.

Kate felt him jerk as she granted him entry, and suddenly she was lost in the onslaught of sensations.

* * *

><p>When Castle had leaned forward to kiss Kate, it had been instinct, almost an animal desire to comfort them both.<p>

Her lips were warm and inviting, and he was astoundingly grateful that she didn't pull away. He broke away from her, searching her eyes, trying to determine what her reaction would be.

When she had asked what he needed, he was pretty sure a kiss hadn't really been what she had meant. He could feel the beginnings of panic at the edge of his consciousness.

_What if she was furious? What if she felt he had taken advantage of her? What if-_

Kate ended his flustered thoughts – and all thought, really – by grabbing him and planting her mouth back on his. He gasped as he felt her shift, rising from the floor to-

Oh, god…

She climbed onto his lap, her lips working against his.

His hands came up to grip her. _Too hard, too tight_, he admonished himself, sure he was bruising her with the force of his hold.

But he couldn't believe this was happening, couldn't believe she was really there, alive, in his arms, breathing…

…_no, panting…_ his ego smiled a bit at that…

And kissing him.

He felt her hands running through his hair, felt her snuggle in more closely to his body. He let his tongue trace her bottom lip, relishing the feel of the velvet skin there.

And then she opened for him, and he tasted her. She was a heady mixture of coffee and spice and something so completely…her…

She made a soft gasping sound. He felt lost in her. In her taste, in her touch, in her scent. It was too much, he was going to far. He didn't want to mess this up.

He had to stop…had to slow this down…

He broke apart from her lips, leaning his forehead against hers as they both took a moment, breathing heavily.

When he moved his head away to look at her he was arrested by her beautiful eyes, dark and heavy, staring into his own.

"Kate-" His voice was rough, ragged.

The corners of her mouth tipped up.

"You okay there, Castle?"

He was inordinately pleased that her voice also came out slightly rougher than normal. He took a few slow breaths to gain some control and tried again.

"Kate, I-" He stopped again, unsure. "Actually, I don't know what to say."

Kate looked at him for a moment, her gaze indecipherable. Suddenly her shoulders shook. He briefly thought she was going to cry, but then he realized she was trying to suppress a giggle.

Laughter bubbled up from her chest, and he couldn't help the silly grin that he knew was spreading across his face.

"Well, when I asked what you needed that wasn't really what I had in mind, but apparently I needed it too."

She smiled and leaned back into him, letting her head rest on his shoulder, her nose tucked into his neck. He heard her give a small contented sigh and he couldn't help echoing it, gently stroking her side with his thumb.

"So," he said, tentatively, "what now?"

Kate sighed again, less contented this time. They stayed in their cuddled position a minute longer before Kate moved, climbing off his lap to stand in front of him. He immediately missed her warmth and the comfort he received from the feel of her body next to his.

"I need to go home."

Castle felt his stomach clench as the floor seemed to disappear under his feet.

"Right…of course…yeah. You probably have…work to do…can't keep a busy detective…busy…" Castle started rambling, knowing he was failing miserably at sounding suave. He looked away from her, trying to regain some semblance of a calm exterior.

Which was how he was completely unprepared for the smack he received to his chest. His eyes flew up, to find Beckett, hands on hips, staring him down like he was on the other side of the interrogation table.

"Really Castle? After _that _you think I'm just abandoning you?"

"Well, I-" Castle stuttered. There was really no way to end that sentence. _Well, as a matter of fact, Kate, you do tend to disappear any time something intimate occurs between us._ Yeah, that totally wouldn't be a good move.

"I need to change, Castle, and grab some necessities."

"You're coming back?" Castle tried to keep the hope out of his voice, not wanting to overwhelm her with how badly he wanted that.

"Yes, Castle, I'm coming back." She said, rolling her eyes. But then she bit her bottom lip, looking at him strangely, and he saw again the panic and uncertainty he had seen earlier.

"Unless you don't want me to? Maybe you need some time alone…I don't want to-" He didn't allow her to finish the sentence.

"No! No…" He cursed himself for how desperate that sounded, but when her lips quirked into a smile he couldn't be too upset with himself.

"Kate, I would like to…I would like to invite you to dinner."

He held his breath – so much had happened in so little time.

Kate looked at him for a long moment. So long that he began to worry that he had gone too far. Maybe that was too intimate a request.

"I would like that."

Castle sighed in relief. He followed her back to the front room, and couldn't help the feeling of joy that coursed through him when she grabbed his arm for balance as she slipped her heels back on.

They walked to the door, and Castle had a momentary attack of panic as he realized he didn't know what to do. Could he kiss her goodbye? Would that be too much? Should he give her a hug? He felt like an awkward teenager.

Kate took the decision out of his hands by leaning in and placing a gentle kiss on his lips. Then, with a shy smile and a whispered, "see you later," she was out the door and down the hallway.

Castle closed the door and leaned against it, feeling exhausted and elated.

She was coming back.

The silly grin spread over his face again. It was going to be a dinner to remember.

* * *

><p><strong>I figured after all the angst I shouldn't make anyone wait too long for a little fun. Best, A.D.<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 7**

* * *

><p>When Kate finally made it into her apartment she let herself sink down on her couch for a moment. She felt feverish, flushed. The last twenty-four hours had been an emotional roller coaster.<p>

She needed a bath. That would help.

After giving herself a few moments to collect her thoughts, Kate gathered some supplies and started running the hot water in the bathtub. As the tub filled, she wandered around her bedroom, grabbing a change of clothes.

Heading back to the bathroom, Kate stripped off yesterday's clothes and sank into the tub, letting out a grateful moan as the hot water covered her and began to relax her tense muscles. She let her head tip back against the edge of the tub, closing her eyes and reflecting on everything that had happened.

She had kissed Castle.

Oh, god.

Just the thought of it made her feel flushed again. It had been a _good_ kiss.

Kate rolled her head forward, groaning. It would be complicated. Everything would be complicated. And _she_ had kissed _him_. Granted, he had kissed her first, but she had made a conscious decision to kiss him.

And then she had climbed into his lap.

Kate groaned again. There was no mis-interpreting that, no explaining it away. She was going to have to deal with it. She couldn't sweep this under the rug. Castle's face when he thought she was just going to leave had been heartbreaking. She couldn't keep pushing him away. She couldn't hurt him like that anymore.

A thought flashed in Kate's mind that had her suddenly sitting up in the bathtub, sloshing water dangerously close to the edge.

Castle had never talked.

She had opened up, showed him her weakness, tried to give him what he needed, and he had still managed to keep quiet. She still didn't truly know what was going on with him, still didn't know what he needed. But something was not right – her detective's instincts were flaring.

Once again she had gotten caught up in her own feelings, her own pain, and had let him get away with keeping his own hidden. Kate sighed and sank back down in the bath until the water covered her up to her chin, pulling comfort from the enveloping warmth.

* * *

><p>Kate had only been gone a few minutes before Castle began planning dinner. It wasn't even lunchtime yet, but he wanted everything to be perfect. He pulled out cookbooks and opened cabinets to see what ingredients he had available.<p>

Kate was coming to dinner.

Kate had kissed him. Voluntarily. In real-life, not some strange undercover-possibly-slightly-real-life-but-not-really-real-life-life. She had kissed him and was _coming back_. To spend time with him. _Just_ him.

Suddenly a thought occurred to him that had his hands stilling he pulled out a jar of pesto to check the ingredients.

Kate would want to talk.

Oh.

Castle turned away from the pantry and looked at his empty apartment. The quiet seemed to settle around his shoulders with a heaviness for which he was unprepared. He wasn't ready.

She had finally opened up to him, finally allowed him into her personal zone. He was amazed and humbled and honored.

But she would expect him to do the same. She deserved for him to do the same. In fact, as he thought about it, it wasn't fair for him to continue to try to advance this relationship – a relationship he desperately wanted – if he wasn't willing to let her in.

Castle stared into space, seeing nothing in front of him.

He wasn't sure he could do it. It had been hard enough keeping himself from getting lost in his memories as he listened to her recount the summer's events; he felt certain that telling her his side of the story would mean re-living the events himself. And so far, any time he allowed himself to get close to those memories he found himself a useless wreck, frozen with terror. He didn't think he could do it. He wasn't sure he could actually speak about it.

She had finally revealed her secret – that she remembered his confession – but it was a secret he had known she was keeping. It hurt, but he wasn't surprised by it. He had even already forgiven her. Well, mostly, anyway.

He, however, had a secret she certainly wasn't aware of. His continued investigation of her mother's case would completely blind-side her. This would be the second time he betrayed her confidence in this way, investigating her mother's murder behind her back. Would she still trust him?

Not to mention the fact that if he told her the truth it was likely she would run headlong into danger. The fact that he had been keeping this from her may even provide the catalyst for her to do something reckless. She was often reckless when she was upset.

Castle left the kitchen and walked into his office, calling up Beckett's mother's case on the big screen. He stared at Beckett's face, enlarged front and center. Castle realized he had begun to call her Beckett in his head any time he thought about her in connection with this case. He supposed it was a defensive reflex to distance himself from her in this situation.

He had chosen a fairly innocuous photo – one he had taken on his camera phone. It looked so normal, so ordinary against the backdrop of information and suspects about her mother's murder. He marveled at how beautiful she was. Inside and out. It was amazing to him to see how the murder board starkly contrasted such strong beauty with such heartless cruelty.

He suddenly felt very tired.

Castle switched off the monitor. He allowed himself a few more moments to gather his thoughts, and then headed back to the kitchen to finish planning dinner.

Whether or not he was ready to face this, Kate would be back tonight. The least he could do was prepare a meal to remember. Especially since it may turn out to be a night they would both rather forget.

* * *

><p>Several hours later, Kate stood outside of Castle's apartment, gathering her courage before knocking on the door. Her lips quirked in amusement at the fact that she had performed a similar ritual less than twenty-four hours earlier, when she had been checking on Castle after his panic attack.<p>

She felt very close to a panic attack herself.

Castle was her partner and her friend. Even without the recent complications in their relationship, he was a part of her. He was family.

She wasn't fooling herself. There was a lot at stake. She felt hesitant and uncertain.

Kate forced herself to stand still and resist her instinct to run away. She would not be a coward. She was going to face this. Hopefully, they were going to face it together.

She took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

* * *

><p>Castle would never have admitted it, but he was extremely nervous. He had spent the afternoon planning the meal, and although he had settled for something rather traditional he hoped the comfort food aspect of the menu might help calm both their nerves.<p>

He had decided on a chicken penne pasta with tomatoes, spinach, and mushrooms in a white wine cream sauce. He had some fresh French bread toasting in the oven with a little brush of butter and parmesan cheese, and he had selected a nice red wine to compliment the meal. Everything was mostly prepared and waiting for the finishing touches.

Now all he needed was the guest of honor. He began pacing. They hadn't really set a time, but it was moving toward evening and he knew she would be getting hungry soon. He knew her so well.

He made himself take a few calming breaths, inhaling through his nose and exhaling out his mouth. The apartment was once again exceptionally quiet, like the calm before the storm.

A knock sounded at the door, startling him from his attempt at meditation.

Castle forced himself to walk to the door at a normal pace. He opened the door, planning to start with some witty quip or other, but was struck speechless by the sight of her.

She wasn't overly dressed up, but had obviously taken some time choosing her outfit. A silky emerald green blouse gave her a soft silhouette and added a classy touch to dark jeans that seemed to hug her figure. In fact, they almost appeared to be painted on her slender legs. Castle followed the line of the jeans down to some wicked looking boots with killer high heels.

Swallowing, he forced his eyes back up to hers. She had left her hair down, the layers framing her face in soft waves. The slight upward turn at the corners of her lips told him she had noticed his wandering eye.

"Do I have to stand in the hallway all evening, Castle, or are you going to invite me inside?" she laughed.

"Yes…ah…of course. Sorry, where are my manners. Come in. Welcome." He held the door for her and gestured her inside.

As Kate brushed past him he caught a whiff of cherries and soap. Taking a deep breath, Castle closed the door and followed her into the loft.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you again to everyone for reading. I apologize for the longer interval between posts this time - it's been a crazy week. I hope you are all doing well! Best, A.D.<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 8**

* * *

><p>Kate nervously rubbed her hands together as she walked into Castle's loft.<p>

"Would you care for a glass of wine detective?" Castle asked as he headed past her into the kitchen.

"Sure. Thanks." She replied. "It smells wonderful in here." She inhaled deeply, savoring the aromas and suddenly realizing how hungry she was.

"Dinner will be ready in just a moment – make yourself at home."

Kate nodded and wandered over to the kitchen island, hoisting herself onto a stool so she could watch him work. He placed a glass of red wine in front of her with a smile and turned back to begin plating their meal.

While he worked, Kate took the rare opportunity to watch him. He had chosen a dark green button down shirt and jeans. _We match_, she thought with a smile. He moved confidently and smoothly, and she was jealous that his hands didn't shake. She was sure hers would at the moment.

Kate took a sip of the wine and almost gasped. It was smoky and dark, and the peppery currant flavor tingled over her taste-buds. "This is fantastic."

"I'm glad you like it." He said, turning toward her. "Dinner is served," he said with a flourish, picking up the two plates he had been preparing and heading toward the table. Kate followed him and sat down, staring at the beautiful pasta dish as Castle went back to the kitchen to grab the bread and his own glass of wine.

Taking a bite, Kate had to bite back a moan of pleasure at how good it was.

"You are a seriously good cook, Castle, this is amazing."

"You sound surprised, detective," he feigned offense at her comment.

"Well, after the tales of s'morelettes I have to admit to a certain trepidation about your palette."

"You wound me," Castle placed his hand over his heart, mock hurt playing over his features.

"All this time you've been bringing everybody all that take-out and you could have been bringing home-made masterpieces. We are clearly not using all of your talents at the precinct."

"Oh, Kate, my _talents _are always at your service."

Kate tried to keep the blush off of her face, but she could feel the heat rising to her cheeks. She gave herself a mental eye-roll. _This is Castle. King of innuendo. And you know full well you fed him that set-up. Pull it together, Kate_.

At Castle's small chuckle she knew she had failed and buried her annoyance at herself in another sip of wine.

"So, where did you learn to cook?" Kate asked, taking another bite and relishing the flavor.

"I know a guy." Castle responded off-handedly.

"You know a guy? Is there a chef hidden somewhere in your apartment?" Kate looked around the loft, half-expecting Wolfgang Puck to be hiding behind the couch.

"What? No! But now that you mention it, that would make a great story. I wonder where I could stow a chef." Castle laughed. After a moment he grew more serious.

"Actually, I taught myself when I was a kid. Mother was…well, you know mother. Always auditioning or working in a production. I had a lot of time by myself. And then, later, when it was just me and Alexis, I wanted to make the food she ate, so I knew what was in it and I knew she was getting the right kind of nutrition. As she got older we started cooking together. We'd have so much fun making up new dishes and playing with ingredients. And I could still make sure she was getting the nutrition she needed. It gave me a way to take care of her, even when she felt she was too old for me to be hovering over her."

"And s'morelettes have a high nutritional value, do they?"

"Hey, what did the s'morelette ever do to deserve this kind of injustice?" Kate laughed along with Castle, enjoying the moment.

She had never really thought about his childhood before, but now that she did, she supposed it must have been difficult growing up in such a constantly shifting environment. She tended to avoid conversations about childhood, for the obvious reason that it might lead to talking about her mother's murder, but she knew that she had really had a charmed childhood. In many ways, it had been idyllic, until her entire world had been ripped apart. And now, memories of that time were always clouded with the violence of what had happened.

Another thought occurred to her about Castle's confession. He put all of his care and concern and love into feeding Alexis. But Castle had been feeding her since he walked into her life. He was always making sure she was eating, always taking care of her.

She felt her eyes water slightly and covered her emotions by diving back into the pasta.

"So what about you, Kate?"

"Hmmm?" Kate asked around a mouthful of penne. She had lost the thread of the conversation in her ruminations.

"Do you ever cook? Or is it always take-out and frozen food?"

"I can cook. I mean, it's not a grand talent of mine, but I have some specialties. I do however, bake." Kate paused, and then grinned at him. "I make some wicked dessert."

Castle's look on her intensified. "Oh, Kate, I just bet you do."

Kate held his gaze, letting some of her lust creep into her eyes as she lifted the wine glass to her mouth. She watched Castle's eyes darken as she drained the glass, letting him see her obvious enjoyment of the rich liquid, and toying with him by slowly swiping her tongue over her lips.

His lips parted as he let out a small breath, and Kate felt her own breathing quicken.

Suddenly he stood, and, breaking the moment, grabbed her plate and was off into the kitchen to clean up before another word passed between them.

* * *

><p>Castle almost choked as Kate toyed with him, her tongue peaking out to brush her lips and her eyes full of something he wasn't used to seeing there. The intensity of her gaze seemed to make his entire body flicker with heat.<p>

He couldn't contain a small exhalation, and with that decided he needed to alleviate some of the tension. He forced his eyes away from hers and grabbed the plate she had finally managed to polish clean, quickly striding to the kitchen. He almost laughed at himself. Once again he was using the excuse of the dishes to give himself a chance to regain some control.

He heard her throaty chuckle from behind him and knew she had a pretty good idea about why he had made such a hasty retreat. God knows he wanted her, but they still needed to talk. She had come clean, but he was still keeping secrets.

He put away the leftovers and rinsed their plates before allowing himself to turn back around. Kate had moved back to the kitchen island and was watching him intently, her empty wine glass sitting in front of her.

"Can I offer you some more wine, detective?" He asked, attempting to regain some dignity with a suave air he wasn't quite achieving.

"Certainly," she replied.

Castle picked up her glass and turned back to the counter, grabbing the bottle and pouring a healthy refill into both their glasses.

He almost jumped out of his skin when he felt her breath hot on his ear, her warm body right behind his.

"And what, exactly, were your plans for dessert?"

Castle could feel her, so close and radiating heat, and tried to suppress the shiver working its way up his spine from her proximity.

He didn't turn around, afraid that seeing her face would ruin the very tenuous leash he had on his control at the moment.

"mmmgrstn"

"What?" she asked, clearly amused.

"You. Um. No! I didn't mean - not you for dessert. I mean. You make yourself comfortable…" Kate seemed to shimmy closer and he realized his words could be taken more than one way, "In the living room. Go have a seat, I'll bring it to you." He choked out.

He held his breath as he felt her press into him, certain he was not going to be able to contain himself any longer. Kate, his Kate, was so close he could smell her, he could feel her slender frame so close to his. He closed his eyes as he felt her arm come around him.

Then opened them in surprise as she moved away, leaving him feeling strangely cold. The lonely glass in front of him told him she had simply reached around him for her wine. He let out a strangled breath.

Once again he heard her suppress a laugh as she moved into the living room.

* * *

><p><strong>As always, thank you for reading. I am humbled and flattered by your support. Best, A.D.<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 9**

* * *

><p>Kate was a bit confused.<p>

Castle was obviously doing everything in his power to control himself, something she had not been expecting. She had allowed her flirtation to become more overt, more sexual than she normally would, simply to see what she could get away with. She had been shocked by his control, and briefly wondered about the benefits of that control in certain…intimate…settings.

She shook off the vivid images that line of thinking raised. It wasn't that she wanted to take things too fast really, but she felt something was off…something was still not quite right.

From her place on the couch she watched as Castle moved around the kitchen. His movements were stiffer than normal, nervous and concerned. The nervousness she could understand – she herself was still practically shaking from the adrenaline – but the little furrowed crease at his brow had her worried. He seemed…upset about something.

Castle turned toward her, holding a plate in one hand and his glass of wine in the other, giving her a brilliant smile that seemed to freeze as he took in her intense gaze. She forced her features to relax into a smile, watching as his did the same. She noticed, however, that his eyes still looked wary.

Castle headed toward her and set the plate on the coffee table in front of her, sitting next to her on the couch. She tried not to be too disappointed when he left some distance between them, wondering how often in the past he had had the same thought when she moved away.

"So, what have we here?" She asked, looking at the plate.

"Truffles. Dark chocolate truffles. I thought you'd like them."

Kate reached for one and popped it into her mouth. The rich chocolate seemed to melt over her tongue, deep and creamy and just slightly bitter. She felt her eyes flutter closed.

"Castle. These are divine. Where did you get them?" She took a sip of wine, relishing the way the spicy currant perfectly complimented the lush chocolate. When she realized Castle still had not answered she looked up at him.

His eyes were so intently focused on her she let out a little gasp. At her exhalation, Castle shook his head slightly as if to clear his thoughts and smiled at her, a smile that didn't quite reach the predatory look in his eyes.

"Actually, I made them."

"You are just full of surprises this evening."

Castle chuckled nervously and looked away. Almost as if he were…guilty.

_Hmmm…_ Kate thought. _There it is. He's keeping something from me._

Kate sat back in the couch as she let this information sink in. She watched as Castle grabbed a chocolate to hide his discomfort, and decided to switch tactics.

"How's the latest best-seller coming?" she asked. Castle took a moment to ponder, sipping his wine.

"Good."

Kate stared. That was it?

"Good." She deadpanned. "Really?"

He shifted on the couch, obviously uncomfortable.

"Um, I might be…a little behind on my deadline."

"A little behind?"

"A lot behind?" He looked at her with guilty puppy-dog eyes and she felt herself soften.

"How much is a lot behind?"

"Well, I was supposed to have a draft in a while ago, and I haven't really finished it yet."

His obvious embarrassment made her want to soothe him. "You'll get there. How much do you have left to write?"

There was a long pause as Castle looked away.

"Castle?"

He sighed, but still didn't look at her.

"You haven't written any of it, have you?"

When he still didn't look at her she knew she was correct.

"But I know you've been working. I've even see you typing away on the laptop."

Castle continued to stubbornly stare at anything but her. Kate considered him a moment, wondering how she had not noticed the ache that was now evident in every line of his body. He looked lost.

Kate set down the wine and scooted over closer to him. Castle stiffened as she came into contact with his side, but then relaxed and allowed her to lean into him. She took his hand, twining her fingers into his and letting her other hand come up to stroke the back of his knuckles.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Castle-"

"No." He said, his voice strong.

After a moment, he spoke again, more softly. "I'm sorry. I just-" He cut off, flexing his fingers to squeeze hers in a gesture of comfort. Kate thought it ironic that he was trying to comfort her, when all she wanted to do was comfort him.

He shifted, and Kate suddenly felt he was about to get up.

"If you go hide in the dishes one more time I swear I'm going to show you all the ways I can get your undivided attention with soap and water."

Castle's eyes shot to hers, shocked.

Kate felt just as shocked as he was. She couldn't believe that had actually come out of her mouth.

* * *

><p>Castle was nervous. The whole conversation had taken a turn into topics he didn't want to confront, and he hadn't been able to joke his way out of them. She had not let him get away with his half-answers. When she had leaned into him he swore he could feel her warmth as though it was burned into his side. He was overwhelmed by her. He could feel her, smell her, sense the subtle shifts in her body that matched the subtle shifts in her mood. And she wasn't running. She wasn't shying away from the intimate moments as she always had before.<p>

He hadn't realized how much he counted on the fact that Kate did not like to confront this kind of intimacy.

He felt bad for snapping at her, for refusing to talk about his writing. He needed a moment. Again. It was his turn to run, apparently. He shifted to get up, thinking to clean up the chocolates even though he had intended to leave them out, when Kate snapped.

"If you go hide in the dishes one more time I swear I'm going to show you all the ways I can get your undivided attention with soap and water."

Castle was shocked. His body flared in interest, immediately captivated by imagining all the things Kate might do to him with soap and water, while his brain shouted in fear that she had noticed every retreat, and that she wasn't going to allow him an escape.

"I had no idea you were so eager for my undivided attention, detective." He managed to choke out, proud that he had succeeded in keeping his tone relatively light and teasing.

He took some comfort in the fact that she looked just as shocked as he was.

"Castle." She breathed, not taking the bait of his half-baked joking comment.

He looked at her serious expression for a moment, then leaned back into the couch, giving up on escape.

"Can we just…" he paused to swallow. "Can we just talk about something else?"

Kate leaned back into him, letting her head rest on his shoulder. He could almost feel her thinking, and held his breath.

"So, how's Alexis? Has she made any decisions on schools yet?"

Castle was sure his relief was palpable, but he barreled on anyway, babbling about Alexis and the trials and tribulations of college applications.

The conversation remained light after that, and they laughed together over old family stories and precinct gossip. When they polished off the first bottle of wine, Castle opened another.

He knew he was getting silly, the wine fogging his ability to think clearly, but he was enjoying the evening so immensely he couldn't bring himself to care. Kate was getting silly, too, he noticed with a grin. He watched her as she finished telling him about catching Lanie and Esposito making out in the morgue, laughing as she described how hard it was to keep a straight face at their mortified expressions.

"For a second I thought Esposito was going to try to hide behind Lanie's back, as though I wouldn't be able to see him there." She giggled, her face flushed and happy.

"For the rest of the day, he kept sidling up to me any time he had to tell me anything like a puppy that knows it's in trouble."

"And was he?" Castle asked, fascinated by the mischievous twinkle in her eyes.

"Was he what?"

"In trouble?"

"For kissing in the morgue? The morgue is Lanie's territory. If she doesn't mind, I certainly don't. Although I have to say that it doesn't seem like the most romantic location. I'm just glad it was me that walked in. Someone else may have been less…quiet…about it."

Castle snorted. "Please tell me you haven't been quiet about it. Those two deserve to squirm a bit."

"I said quiet, I didn't say silent." Kate gave him a wicked grin.

"So since Lanie gets to decide if it's ok to kiss in the morgue, does that mean you get to decide if it's ok to kiss in the bull pen?"

"Absolutely no kissing in the bull pen. Don't even think about it, writer boy." She laughed, swatting his arm.

"Oh, Kate, I think about it all the time." Suddenly serious, he found himself glancing at her mouth before forcing his eyes back to hers. A moment passed as they stared at each other. Castle could practically feel the air charge with heat.

"We're not in the bull pen now." She practically purred…_purred!_...at him.

Before his brain could get through the fog of the wine his body had already moved forward, his lips crashing into hers as he pulled her to him.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for reading! Best, A.D.<strong>


	10. Chapter 10

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 10**

* * *

><p>The shock of the contact as his lips met hers made Castle dizzy.<p>

He felt Kate shudder as she leaned into him, and felt himself give an answering low growl he couldn't quite contain. Her hands spread across his chest, sending wave after wave of heat roiling through him. His arms tightened around her, his fingers playing along her back.

He found the hem of her shirt and reached under the silky fabric. They both groaned as his hands caressed creamy skin underneath. Electricity seemed to dance from his fingertips on her skin all the way up his arms, into his body, coiling through him, looking for release. He felt flushed, his skin felt too tight.

Kate's hands clenched on the fabric of his shirt and she nipped his bottom lip, using his surprised exhalation to gain access, letting her tongue play across the entrance of his mouth, hot, slick, and insistent. A small noise, wild and unrestrained, escaped her throat, and Castle felt the last of his control begin to shred.

Kate pressed into him and he pulled her with him as he leaned back on the couch, relishing the feel of the weight of her on top of him, her body arching into his, her lips velvet soft and demanding. His hands feathered across the skin of her back, pressing her closer, wanting to lose himself in her.

_Wait. _Alarm bells were ringing from somewhere far away in his head.

_Her weight on top of him?_

Castle struggled to force his sluggish brain into action. He broke the kiss with an anxious growl, fighting to shove air into his lungs and some blood back up to his brain. Kate remained above him, breathing heavily and watching him, confused.

"Kate, I-"

At his tone, Kate sat up slightly, a look of hurt flashing over her features and the familiar shuttered expression settling in her eyes. Castle felt the desolation of her retreat wash over him like ice water, allowing him to finally wrestle his thoughts into coherence.

* * *

><p>Kate tried to still the rampage of her heart, watching, confused, as Castle struggled to gain control of himself. She suddenly felt very small, very insignificant.<p>

"Kate, I-"

Kate attempted to move away slightly, and couldn't stifle the look of hurt she knew was flashing over her face. Angry with herself, she tried to close off her emotions, realizing she wasn't going to be able to compartmentalize everything that had happened between them.

"No, don't pull away…" he pleaded. Kate looked at Castle, seeing pain cross his features. She moved again, intending to sit up, to put some space between them, but Castle held her fast, no longer pulling her close, but not allowing her to move completely away either.

"Please, just-" He paused, seemingly unsure about how to proceed, and took several deep breaths.

Kate stilled, watching the emotions warring in his eyes. He looked terrified. She sighed and lowered herself back onto him, laying her head on his chest and accepting his request, waiting to hear what he had to say.

After a moment his voice, quiet but raw, broke the silence. "It's just that I don't want this to go too fast. I don't know…" Castle trailed off, his hand slowly stroking a soothing pattern over her back.

"I don't know if I can survive it if you…" Castle went quiet again, letting out a slow breath.

Kate felt her previous anger melt away. What had she done to this man to make him so uncertain, so fragile? She realized that she could completely break him. And he knew it. And –

_He didn't trust her._

The discovery made her feel faint. She always assumed she was the one with trust issues, and that Castle would blindly follow her anywhere. She would do anything for him. Anything. Surely he knew that?

As she thought about this, the rise and fall of his chest slowing along with her own, she realized he might not know it. She knew how he felt about her. He had no idea how she felt about him. In fact, whenever they got close all he ever saw was her back as she walked away.

"Castle…" she breathed.

"No, don't. I'm sorry. It's my fault. I started it."

Kate let out a snort. "Right."

"I did," he protested.

"Castle, we have been teasing each other all night – no, strike that – we have been teasing each other for almost four years. And you may have kissed me first – this time – but I appear to be the one on top."

Castle let out a strangled noise beneath her, somewhere between a sound of protest and a bark of laughter, and they were both grateful for the slight release of the heavy tension that had settled in the air. Kate angled her body to see him better, moving further into the couch and canting her head on his shoulder. His blue eyes gazed down at her, his expression unreadable but still unmistakably guarded.

She wanted to comfort him but wasn't sure she could bring herself to utter the words she knew he wanted to hear. The words he deserved from her. It was funny how much power words could have. But she felt too insecure, too nervous about his pulling away, about whatever was going on with him that he didn't want to tell her.

Kate brought her hand up to cup his chin and stroke her fingers along his cheek. He leaned into her hand, his eyelids half closing and some of the tension leaving the lines of his face.

"I'm not going to leave you, Rick." Kate whispered.

His eyes opened fully in surprise, zeroing in on hers with an intensity that made her heart pound. The depths of emotion she saw in them brought tears to her eyes.

She shifted to be able to look into his eyes more directly. His gaze on hers was open, vulnerable. She moved forward to place a kiss on his lips, firm but gentle, trying to communicate the force of her emotions. Pulling back she focused her eyes on his once again.

"I'm not going to leave you." She repeated, more forcefully.

* * *

><p>Castle was trying to decide if he was dead. Maybe the shooter had gotten him. Maybe he was in a coma somewhere.<p>

That seemed far more believable than his current reality, in which Kate Beckett was snuggled into his side after some intense physical intimacy, and had point-blank told him she wasn't going to leave him.

He thought he had completely screwed everything up (_again_, his sarcastic inner self sneered) when he had pulled away. The look on her face as she had struggled to gain control over herself had been heartbreaking. He knew he had hurt her by pulling away, but he was still keeping things from her. If she knew what those things were, she probably wouldn't even be here with him now.

He was at war with himself. On one hand, his need for Kate was a physical and emotional ache. He wanted her, wanted to move forward in this kind of relationship with her, and that wanting had built over time until it seemed to be part of his soul.

On the other hand, he didn't only want a physical relationship with her. He wanted…no…he needed to be her partner in every way. He needed her to love him as much as he loved her. The joy he found in the closeness they shared, in their friendship, in their playful banter and the constant challenge, was so very important to him. She was so very important to him.

But that relationship had to go both ways. They both had to be honest.

He couldn't keep secrets from her and have the kind of relationship he wanted. But he wasn't sure he could keep her safe if she knew about his involvement in her mother's case. And, although he knew it might be selfish, he didn't want her to know that he had never quite recovered from her shooting. He felt guilty and uncertain. As though he was being stretched too thin and might dissolve under the pressure of his competing needs.

He couldn't lose her. But there was more than one way she could be lost.

He hadn't meant to let things go so far. He had been trying so hard all evening to keep things light. But a little too much wine and some heady comments and Kate…his Kate… so happy and laughing and _teasing_… had broken through his good intentions.

It was becoming harder and harder by the moment to remain…uh…_chaste_, his writer's imagination supplied. He grimaced, thinking that this was not the only thing becoming harder and harder by the moment.

_That's terrible. And you call yourself a writer._ He laughed mockingly at himself.

He looked down at Kate, her arm draped over his chest, her hand still gently clenching the fabric of his shirt as if she didn't want to let him go. She had dropped off into a reluctant sleep only a few minutes earlier thanks to his soft caresses. He had watched as she struggled to remain awake, still trying to goad him into talking to her.

It had been an interesting weekend so far, and neither had gotten much sleep the night before. The wine was tugging his own eyelids down as he attempted to remain awake.

He needed to keep some distance if he wanted to keep her physically safe. He needed to talk to her if he wanted to keep her heart safe.

Someday, he was sure, she would find out what he had been keeping from her. She was going to find out how much of a mess he was.

And she would be angry.

Even worse, she would be hurt.

Despite her promise, she might leave him. Alone.

One of the only lessons Castle had ever learned in his life was that eventually, people always left. His father, before he even knew him. His mother, off to rehearsals and performances and leaving him home alone as a child. Most of his friends, who couldn't handle his rise to fame (_or maybe_, he noted, being honest with himself, _the ridiculously immature person you became in those early days_). He had been divorced twice. _Twice!_

Even Alexis…he sucked in a breath…about to go off to college and start her own life. Which is what he wanted for her, but still…sometimes he just felt so…lonely.

But he could live with lonely, if it meant Kate was still alive.

And Kate had promised not to leave him. But what exactly did her promise mean, anyway? She hadn't revealed anything about how she felt; she still hadn't told him whether or not she loved him.

Castle sighed and tried to shake these negative thoughts out of his mind. He focused back on Kate, her warmth and her even breathing. He brought one hand up to gently brush a stray strand of hair from her face, letting his fingers stroke across her cheek. It was a luxury, in more ways than one, to be with her like this. Kate sighed and smiled slightly in her sleep, stretching her back like a cat before relaxing more comfortably against him.

Castle felt his chest expand and he gripped her more tightly, settling further into the couch and allowing his head to drop down on the pillow. Closing his eyes, he let sleep and exhaustion overtake him, wrapped in the comfort of her warmth.

* * *

><p>Kate awoke to the feeling that something was wrong. She kept her eyes closed and let her senses reach out to discover what was off. She couldn't have been asleep long; the quiet and stillness in the loft told her it must still be the middle of the night. Something had woken her…something…she had felt…cold. That was it.<p>

Kate's eyes snapped open. She was no longer nestled in Castle's arms. He was gone.

* * *

><p><strong>Note: I was astounded and incredibly grateful to see my first published fan fiction hit 100 reviews. Really, seriously, grateful. I can't believe it. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for reading and for your wonderful thoughtful comments. I'm having a blast telling this story, and I certainly hope you are enjoying it as well. All the best, A.D.<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 11**

* * *

><p>Kate sat up slowly, wondering how Castle had managed to untangle himself and get out from underneath her without waking her up.<p>

She rubbed her arms, trying to warm herself up as she tried not to panic.

He left her.

He left her here alone.

She had assumed for so long that whenever she was ready to confront this…whatever this was between her and Castle…that he would be thrilled. She never expected him to slow things down. Or run.

Kate bit her lip as she felt tears sting her eyes.

Maybe he didn't want her anymore.

Maybe he didn't love her.

The tears began to fall and Kate stood up, angrily wiping them from her eyes.

_Stupid_. She thought to herself. She was a detective. And one thing she had learned over the years was to trust her instincts. Castle may be running scared for some reason but she knew he cared about her.

The other thing she had learned over her time as a detective was that you never jump to conclusions without solid evidence. All she knew was that he wasn't in the living room. Maybe he had to use the facilities. Maybe he'd gone out for a walk. Maybe Alexis called and he went outside so as not to wake her up while he talked.

Kate looked around the darkened apartment, listening intently and searching for some sign of Castle's whereabouts. As she did so she thought she heard a small noise come from the vicinity of his bedroom.

Kate paused. Should she go find him?

All her previous insecurities flooded her senses. Her fists clenched almost involuntarily. A million different scenarios suggested themselves to her imagination, all of them variations on a theme, and that theme was rejection.

Kate bit her lower lip, gazing in the direction Castle's bedroom. Finally she rolled her eyes at herself. _Go. Just go, Kate_.

She moved deliberately and slowly, making sure not to stumble on anything in the dark.

Kate scanned the room from the doorway. It was empty. There was enough light to determine that the bed wasn't rumpled – it hadn't been slept in.

_Bathroom_? Kate looked over, but could see that the door to the bathroom was open, and that the room was dark. He wasn't here. He really had left.

Kate put her hand on the doorframe, needing the tactile support of the wood beneath her fingers.

She took a few slow breaths, willing the panic she could feel bubbling up to stay locked inside. Just as she had collected herself enough to leave the room she heard it. The same small sound she had heard before.

And it was coming from this room.

Wary, Kate sidled into the room, searching in the low light for the source of the sound. As she came around the bed, she found it.

A shocked gasp left her as she discovered Castle, hunched over on the floor, his back against the bed. His head was in his hands, and he was shaking uncontrollably, just as he had been after he had saved her from the shooter from Friday's case. Every now and then a low noise escaped, as though from a trapped animal in pain.

"Castle?" She whispered, not wanting to startle him. Other than a slight increase to the intensity of his shaking there was no answer.

Kate moved swiftly to him, kneeling down in front of him as she had before, placing her hands gently on either side of his head.

"Rick?"

Castle raised his head, but rather than looking at her he seemed to look through her. Kate had to force herself not to flinch. His eyes…

Suddenly Castle was not the only one fighting demons as Kate struggled not to drown in the desolation, heartbreak, and sheer terror in Castle's eyes. These were the eyes she had seen in the cemetery. And she knew. Castle wasn't seeing her – the real her, here in his bedroom. Castle was seeing her bleeding out in the cemetery.

"Rick…" she breathed, her own tears threatening to spill over, her chest suddenly tight where the bullet had penetrated her heart.

Kate let her hands caress his face, trying to draw him back to the present, back to her.

"Rick, it's ok. Rick, look at me."

Castle's teeth began to chatter with the force of his quaking body, and tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. Kate thought her heart might break. She moved to sit next to him, draping her arms around him and attempting to draw him into a hug. He seemed to take no notice of her, trapped in a world of pain and fear.

"Oh, God, please come back to me, Rick." Kate slipped her hand under his shirt to rub slow circles on his back.

When her hand met skin, Castle jumped as if burned, and swiveled his head to focus on her for the first time.

His red-rimmed eyes found hers as if gazing across a great distance. As if she were his lifeline.

"Kate?" His voice was broken, rough and raw, his still-chattering teeth lending the sound a tenuous vibrato.

"I'm right here. I'm fine. Everything's ok." Kate kept her voice low and reassuring, stroking his back in long, slow motions. Suddenly he reached out and pulled her into his lap, crushing her to him as he cradled her in his arms. She could feel his entire body shaking, could feel the tension coursing through him.

After a few minutes, his shaking began to ebb. A few minutes more, and his breathing began to slow back to normal. At last he took a deep breath, and as the air left his lungs she felt him slump slightly, releasing some of the tension in his body.

Kate lifted her head to watch him. Castle dropped his eyes to his lap. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

She remained still for a moment, trying to decide how to respond, how best to help him.

"Why?" She asked.

"I didn't want… I didn't want you to have to deal with that." Kate let this sink in. Castle leaned back against the bed, his arms loosening slightly, and Kate reached out to take one of his hands in hers, hoping the physical touch would help soothe him.

"How often does this happen?"

Castle was silent.

"Castle?"

He kept his eyes turned away from hers, a nervous twitch of his fingers on hers the only give-away that he had heard her.

"Please talk to me, Rick." She hated the pleading sound in her voice.

Castle sighed. "I have…nightmares." He paused and looked at their intertwined fingers as though seeing them for the first time. "Sometimes they are…very real." Kate couldn't help thinking that at one point they _had_ been real.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Castle stared straight ahead, stony-faced.

"Does Alexis know? Or Martha?"

"No." He replied quickly. "And they won't." His voice was firm. Uncompromising. She could feel his body tense again, as though preparing for a fight.

"You don't have to shoulder this on your own, Castle. They're your family. They would help you. I would help you."

"No." His voice was now deadly calm.

"Rick-"

"No, Kate." He turned to her at last. "Did you have help? Last summer, did you let anyone in?"

Kate flinched, immediately recoiling from the burning intensity of his gaze.

* * *

><p>Castle was in trouble.<p>

The nightmare had been particularly bad. So vivid. And then he had woken up and he couldn't shake the onslaught of memory and sensation, the feel of horror, guilt, and pain, and he knew he had to get away. He didn't know how he had managed to extract himself without waking Kate, but as soon as he was free he ran blindly for his bedroom, trying to get away before he broke down completely.

After that his memories were jumbled in a haze of darkness: a hall of grotesque carnival images, taunting him.

Until Kate.

Suddenly there had been a lifeline. A touch at his back. Her solemn green eyes, begging him to return to her.

This was only the second time since the summer he had been able to fight through the attack, and both times Kate had been there. Before, when he lost control like this, the panic had simply continued on and on, wave after wave of terror, until his body eventually passed out from exhaustion, and he woke up the next morning aching and empty.

But not this time. This time, Kate had led him from the darkness. And now she was there, nestled in his arms, quietly lending him her strength.

When she began asking questions, though, his fear had returned. He was lost, vulnerable.

He didn't want his family involved. Didn't want her involved.

He wanted so badly to just confide in her. To let her stand with him. But facing his brokenness together would mean facing his involvement in her mother's case together. The two were inextricably linked, and he couldn't risk where that might lead.

He could stand against anger. He could stand against pity, fear, and sadness. But this quiet concern for him left him unstable. His defenses were down and he felt exposed; she would be able to force her way in easily. He needed to change the subject.

He needed to make her angry.

"Did you have help? Last summer, did you let anyone in?"

He saw her recoil as he brought up last summer and prepared himself for the guilt of what he knew was an unfair move. He waited for her to extract himself from his embrace, trying to keep his arms from tightening around her in defiance of this goal.

But she didn't move.

She stared at him, her eyes open, questioning, vulnerable. Pain reflected back at him. Pain he had just inflicted. But not accusation. Not anger. If anything she looked… guilty.

"No." She whispered. "You're right. I didn't really even let my dad take care of me. Not any more than I had to, anyway."

Castle couldn't believe she had just so calmly admitted to that. He made a small sound of confirmation, as if he had made his point. Kate lifted her eyes to his and considered him.

"It was a mistake, Rick." Surprise flooded through him. "I wanted to protect you. At least, that's what I told myself. I thought that by keeping everything inside that I could protect the people I…care about. I thought I could protect myself, too." She sighed, and he sensed a deep well of emotion beneath the tortured breath. "It didn't work."

She continued to consider him, as if she could see directly into his soul. "Something else is going on, isn't it?" She asked. Castle felt dizzy. _No_. Kate's eyes were too knowing, too certain.

"I can't… I can't do this." Castle felt his chest tighten in fear, silently pleading with her to let it go.

She held his gaze a moment longer, then dropped her eyes to their joined hands, giving his fingers a small caress. She seemed to be thinking intently.

"Castle?"

He felt trepidation run ice-cold through his veins. She was going to ask more questions he didn't want to answer. "Mmm-hmm?" He murmured, wondering when everything had changed. Wondering how it was that they kept on ending up with him trying to run and her doggedly following, when for so long now he had been the one trailing after her.

"This is a terrible date."

_What_? Castle's brain froze in surprise as his eyes sailed to hers, and it took him an entire beat to catch up.

"What?" He finally managed, voicing his internal confusion.

"I said, this is a terrible date." She repeated, more forcefully. He watched her carefully, trying to discern where she was going with this.

"Seriously. You invite me for dinner, tease the hell out of me, kiss me senseless, then make me sleep on the couch. And to top it all off, I have to spend the night sitting on the floor?" She huffed. "I'm highly disappointed."

Amazed was an understatement. Castle was floored. She was giving him a way out. She was letting him have his space. He realized she was trying to do for him what he had done for her since the summer. Gratitude swept through him as he gazed down at her.

"Why detective. How very…forward of you. You shall ruin my innocent sensibilities with such talk." His voice was weak, not containing enough of his normal good humor to truly make it a joke, but she played along, helping him restore his sense of balance.

Kate snorted at him. "Right. I would hate to corrupt such purity."

Banter. He could do banter. "And would you like to? Corrupt me?" He waggled his eyebrows at her in what he knew was a ridiculous manner.

Her eyes narrowed on his, her lips quirking dangerously. "I've been listening to you boast about your powers of corruption for quite some time, Castle. You'll have to forgive me for being disappointed on discovering such a blushing innocent."

Castle's amusement faded instantly. "Are you really disappointed in me?"

"What, no! Castle, I was just…" She sighed, looking away.

When she looked back at him, her seriousness had returned and he cursed himself for letting the lightened tone drop. Everything was just too close to the surface…too raw. "I'm worried about you."

Castle pulled her close again and laid his head on top of hers, wanting to comfort them both.

"I know. I'm sorry." He couldn't bring himself to say he was fine, to tell her not to worry. He knew she would spot the lies easily. After a moment her voice broke the stillness once again.

"I do have something I need to ask you, Castle. There's something very serious that we need to do."

Castle paused, forcing his body to remain still, his breathing to remain even. She was trying. He could try too. He braced himself for whatever she was going to ask of him.

"Ok. What do we need to do?" He held his breath.

"We need to get up off the floor."

A burst of surprised laughter escaped from him, and he could feel her shoulders shake in a silent chuckle. He loosened his arms to allow her to climb off his lap, following her up to stand next to her.

She was looking at him softly, an unreadable expression in her eyes.

"You look exhausted. You need to sleep." She said.

He felt his body stiffen. Sleep. More nightmares. "Stay with me?" He asked.

She nodded, and again he detected that soft light in her eyes. He allowed her to gently settle him in the bed, amazed when she crawled in after him. She slipped easily under the covers, snuggling closer until he could feel the length of her body nestled against his, her warmth spreading through him and easing tensions he hadn't even realized he had.

Her hand settled on his chest, her fingers tracing soft circles over his heart as he felt her head nuzzle into the hollow of his neck. He could feel her breath on his skin. She had given him space. But she hadn't left. Even the fact that he was so obviously keeping something from her hadn't sent her fleeing in anger.

_She trusts me_, he realized with wondering awe. The thought filled him both with fear and a strange sense of comfort.

Castle tried to remain awake, tried to keep himself from falling asleep, but Kate's gentle caresses and even breathing lulled his eyes closed. After a few moments, he felt himself grudgingly slip into slumber.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading! Best, A.D.<strong>


	12. Chapter 12

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 12**

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><p>For a long time after Castle fell asleep Kate stayed awake, watching him and thinking about what had just happened. Her shock on finding Castle had been intense. Even after his panic attack on Friday she hadn't realized the extent of Castle's hidden wounds.<p>

Over and over again she replayed the conversations she had had with Castle since the summer. She thought about all the cases they had worked, and about the late-night take-out dinners and casual trips to Remy's. She had never suspected he was hiding so much pain. Apparently he had inherited some of his mother's acting talent.

Kate sighed and allowed her fingers to trace along his jaw, trying to breathe through the guilt of the part she knew she had played in this.

She wanted so badly to yell at him. To rail at him for letting her hurt him so deeply. To force him to tell her what he was still hiding. But what would that accomplish?

It was clear to her that he didn't trust her. And it was also clear to her that she hadn't done much to earn that trust. He had allowed her to push him away, and had stayed by her side anyway. He had let her hide her pain, let her run off to lick her wounds in private, even though by running she had managed to make his pain worse.

And still, he stayed.

If she wanted his trust, she needed to show that she trusted him, and to reciprocate his selfless support.

She couldn't pretend it didn't hurt, knowing he was hiding from her. Knowing he didn't trust her. But she also couldn't pretend that most of this hurt wasn't of her own doing.

_Do I trust him?_

Kate forced herself to face the question. It was much easier to answer than she had expected.

_Yes_. She thought. _I do_.

She wondered briefly when that had happened. It had been a long time since she had truly trusted anyone. At times she had begun to feel that the deep cynicism that had settled on her soul with her mother's death would never be lifted. And yet…she did trust him.

That didn't mean, of course, that he couldn't hurt her. The trust she had for him meant he could hurt her far more deeply than anyone else. But she knew he would never knowingly hurt her. Not without an extremely good reason.

And he had to know that his silence hurt. _So he must have a reason_.

Kate tucked her head back into the hollow of his neck, breathing in and letting his scent wash over her senses. She placed a small kiss on the skin at the base of his neck, and smiled as he tugged her closer and she heard him give a contented sigh in his sleep.

Letting her eyes close, Kate relaxed into Castle's side as sleep claimed her at last.

* * *

><p>Sunlight on his eyes pulled Castle out of his slumber. He had been dreaming.<p>

It had been a good dream. About Kate. His dreams were almost always about Kate, but he was much more fond of the happy ones than the nightmares.

He flexed his muscles, bringing his body into alertness, and was suddenly reminded of the warm body next to his.

_Kate._

She had stayed.

He looked down at her face, peaceful in sleep, as a wave of emotion flooded through him. He felt possessive, fierce. One hand reached out to slowly brush away a strand of hair, and he couldn't help letting his fingers trail down her cheek, relishing the soft warmth of her skin.

Kate let out a soft huff and stretched slightly, blinking her eyes as she came awake. As her eyes sought his he could see the soft light he had detected there the night before still shining behind them.

"Hey." She whispered, her voice still sleep-heavy.

"Hey." He whispered back. She smiled at him, and if he didn't know better, he would have described the little upward turn of her lips and slight lowering of her lashes as shy.

Kate reached out to grasp his hand in hers, bringing it slowly up to her lips where she placed a gentle kiss on the back of his knuckles. Lifting her eyes back to his, she held his gaze as she turned his hand up and placed her lips gently in the center of the palm of his hand.

The brush of her lips there was startling. He drew in a quick breath. How could something so simple be so quickly erotic?

Castle felt Kate's lips trail down his palm to the inside of his wrist. The touch of her lips on the sensitive skin there made him shiver. When he felt her tongue peek out to taste him he felt heat shoot through him.

"Kate." He said, intending it to sound like a warning, but instead it came out as a quiet plea.

Kate's eyes found his again, and this time he saw curiosity and no small amount of mischief. She left his wrist to slide herself up slightly, bringing her head back to the hollow of his neck and gently nipping the skin just above his collarbone, immediately soothing the minor sting with a gentle caress of her lips. He could feel the press of her body all up and down his side, her presence searing into him.

"Kate…" He took a breath, attempted to gather his thoughts, and tried again. "What are you doing?"

He felt her smile into the skin of his neck as she placed more kisses at his collarbone, tracing the line with lips and tongue.

"I'm just saying good morning. Good morning, Castle." He felt her lips move as she murmured this into his neck.

"Is this…a normal morning greeting for you?" He could hear the breathless quality of his voice.

"I don't know, shall we try it again and see if it becomes a habit?"

Shock coursed through him, followed swiftly by heat as he thought about waking up with Kate, his Kate, softly kissing him every morning.

"God, Kate," he groaned, trying to keep some semblance of control. "Are you trying to seduce me?"

"Is that all it takes, Castle? Just some little kisses? Because I promise I had much…bigger…plans for you."

Without any interaction between brain and body, Castle moved, rolling her under him and pressing them together. He felt her entire body shudder along with his at the contact, even through their clothing, heat and pleasure mingling in an almost blinding haze.

He stared down at her, intending to make some kind of haughty remark, but the words dies on his lips. _Her eyes_. She was staring at him with those gorgeous eyes, heavy with the last vestiges of sleep and no small amount of lust, but that wasn't what had stopped him.

The look she was giving him was one he had only seen in his dreams. The fondness and laughing affection he was used to, but this morning there was…more. More everything. It took his breath away.

The only warning he had was a slight intensification of the mischievous glint in her eye before he found himself tossed over and suddenly immobilized beneath her.

"Little slow on the reflexes there, Castle" she laughed at him.

He grinned at her "I can't say I'm upset at the outcome."

He watched Kate blush as she realized her move had left her straddling him on top.

"Yeah, well…I'm not too upset about it either."

He reached out a hand to cup her cheek, a feeling of utter contentment blooming in him as she leaned into his touch. Something like awe ran through him at the realization that they were sharing these intimate moments together.

As she looked down at him he watched her face turn serious, although she didn't pull away.

"Castle?"

"Mmmhmm?"

"About last night…" Castle dropped his hand, trying to keep calm.

"What about it?" He winced slightly at the harshness he could hear in his voice.

Kate worried her bottom lip in her teeth, and he could feel uncertainty radiating off her in waves.

"I just want you to know that…that I understand why you might not want to talk about everything. I hope you know that you can share anything with me. I will always help you, however I can. But if you need time, I can do that." Kate blew out a shaky breath and continued.

"Really, I'd like to shake you until you talk." She gave him a weak grin. "I realize now how hard this was for you, Castle. And I'm so sorry." She reached out a hand, caressing his face. He relished the feel of her fingertips along his cheek, his jawline, his forehead.

"I know something is not right, I know something is going on." It took every ounce of control he had not to flinch, but he could tell by the sadness in her eyes that she knew.

"But…I trust you."

Castle blinked in shock.

"I don't know what's wrong, but I trust you. And I hope, eventually, that you'll trust me, too." Her eyes lowered in something close to shame as confusion set in.

"Is that what you think, Kate? That I don't trust you? I trust you with my life." He brought his arms to her thighs, tightening his grip for emphasis. He could feel the tension in her body.

"No. You don't trust me. I read people for a living, Castle, I can tell." Her voice sounded wry, hurt.

"That's not fair. How much have we been through together? How many times have we almost died together?" He was beginning to get angry. "How can you think I don't trust you?" He couldn't keep his voice from raising slightly.

"Rick, stop." The quiet command brought him out of his rant, and he looked at her.

She gave a small, regretful sigh. "It's ok. I…I'm not angry. I haven't done much to earn your trust recently. And I haven't always given you mine. But you deserve my trust. And you have it. And I hope to deserve yours as well."

Castle felt lost. He had no idea what to say to that.

Kate gave him another gentle caress and then she was moving off of him. He almost whimpered at the loss of contact.

"Are you leaving?" He asked, sitting up in bed as she stood up.

She looked at him, startled. "Of course not. Why would you think that?"

He opened his mouth and then closed it. There was no way to answer that question that wouldn't land him in hot water.

"Did you want me to leave?" She asked warily.

"No." It came out faster than he had intended.

"Ok then." She gave him a small smile. "I was just going to hop in the shower. If it's ok with you?"

Castle tried to keep his brain from immediately supplying images of Kate, in his shower, wet, naked…what had she said about soap and water last night?

"Yes." He managed to squeak out. "That's fine. Of course." Kate's smile grew larger. How did she always manage to unhinge him so easily? It wasn't as if he was inexperienced, but around her he constantly felt fifteen again, all gangly limbs and awkward longing.

"Can I borrow a t-shirt?"

"Yes, top drawer. Help yourself." He watched as Kate pulled open the drawer and selected a shirt, and then disappeared into the bathroom. A few minutes later the sound of running water told him she was in the shower.

Castle thought about their conversation, and Kate's gentle insistence that he didn't trust her. That was ridiculous.

Right?

As he forced himself to truly consider it, he realized she might be right. Oh, not completely, of course. He did trust her in many ways. He wasn't lying when he'd said he trusted her with his life.

But he realized that he didn't trust her with hers.

The fight they'd had before the summer's events had blown up in their faces replayed in his head. He had been hurt, deeply hurt, that she had so casually thrown herself into so much danger. He knew the largest reason he was keeping his secret was fear that she would throw herself back into the case. Back into danger. That once again he'd be too slow to save her. He certainly had never been able to stop her.

Castle exhaled, running a hand through his hair. _She was right._ At least in this one way, he didn't trust her. In fact, he was terrified of this part of her. Castle looked in the direction of his bathroom as he heard the shower turn off.

What could he do?

* * *

><p><strong>So, SO sorry about the long time between posts this time. Life got in the way a bit (you know how it is). As always, thank you for reading! All the best, A.D.<strong>


	13. Chapter 13

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 13**

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><p>Kate almost laughed at the consternation on Castle's face when she walked out of the bathroom. She had purposefully left her hair down and wet, letting the droplets of water on her neck creep into the oversized comfy t-shirt of his she had borrowed. There was definitely lust there in his eyes. Lust and longing and something fiercer… So many conflicting emotions played across his features, and she might have laughed, had she not realized that panic and guilt were two of them.<p>

"Hey," she said, walking over to him and reaching out to take his hand, "hey, you're thinking too hard." Castle gave his head a slight shake and smiled at her. She couldn't help but notice that the smile was wary.

"I just…I don't want…" he didn't seem to be able to finish his sentence.

"It'll be alright, Castle. One step at a time." The wariness didn't leave his face, but he did relax a bit.

"First step, shower." She tugged on his hands to pull him into a standing position and gave him a push toward the bathroom.

"Why, Detective Beckett, don't you like my ruggedly handsome man smell?"

"Maybe I just want you all wet."

Castle froze, his eyes whipping around to burn into hers, and for a moment, she thought they might never get out of the bedroom that morning - something she was far less upset about than she ought to be.

But as she watched, the stark lust was dampened by…what was it? Fear?

"Shower it is." Castle croaked out as he turned and made a dash for the bathroom. She could hear him mutter "a very, very cold shower" as he closed the door.

Kate couldn't help the disappointment that pooled low in her belly. She stared after him a moment, hearing his movements through the bathroom door. Listening as the shower turned on. Picturing him standing there, under the water, lathering the soap all over –

_Stop it_. Kate shook her head.

She was supposed to be being supportive, not trying to jump him like some hormone-crazed teenager. She sighed.

This hadn't really gone at all how she had expected it to go. And yet, even through her concern for Castle, her fear of whatever he was keeping from her, her disappointment in how much he was holding back, she realized she couldn't help but feel content. Happy. She was here. With Castle. And they may still have a long way to go, but they had started down the path, together.

They could do this.

_Coffee. We need coffee._

* * *

><p>Kate headed to the kitchen and began pulling out the materials for coffee. The filters took her a bit of rummaging, but eventually she found everything she needed and flicked the pot on, inhaling deeply as it began to brew.<p>

The sound of the front door unlocking had her spinning around.

Martha swept through, laden with bags, pressing a dramatic hand to her forehead.

"Oh, Richard, I am so glad you are up. I could really use some of that coffee. I could smell it from down the hall. Wait until you hear about what Gladys said to me this-" Martha abruptly cut off as she finally turned and found Kate standing in the middle of the kitchen, gaping.

"Kate!" She exclaimed. They both stood there a moment in surprise. Martha recovered first.

"Well, darling, how lovely to see you." Kate felt her cheeks heat as Martha took in her wet hair, watching as Martha's keen eyes noted the fact that she was standing there in nothing but Castle's over-sized t-shirt.

"Good morning, Martha. I…I didn't expect you…" Kate cringed. She didn't expect her? In her own home? That sounded like she had planned to run away and sweep the whole thing under the rug.

Kate felt Martha's eyes on her as she set her bags down on the couch. "Did someone blow up your apartment again, dear?" She asked, and Kate noted the deeper question under the lightness of her tone.

"No, I…We had a tough case. I came back with Castle to talk about it. It was late, so I just…stayed."

Martha's gaze was disconcerting. Even more disconcerting was the pleasant smile masking the penetrating scrutiny. _And I thought I was good at interrogation_.

"That's funny, I didn't think you were working this weekend. In fact, I specifically remember Richard telling me you had a whole weekend off, since it's such a rare thing for you."

"Oh, I wasn't – I" Kate stopped, realizing she had backed herself into a corner.

"So this case, it was _Friday_'s case?"

"Well-"

"And you've been here since _then_?"

Kate stammered, trying to figure out how to extricate herself from the hole she was digging. Finally Martha let out a loud guffaw, and Kate caught the amused glimmer in her eye. She let out a sigh of relief.

"So, where's Richard?" Martha asked, and Kate was grateful for a question she could easily answer.

"He's in the shower."

"Good. Let's have a little girl talk. I need coffee." Martha swept past her into the kitchen, pulling out mugs, and Kate grabbed the sugar and cream, helping her prepare it while mentally preparing herself for the conversation she knew was about to take place. Martha moved to the counter stool, beckoning for Kate to sit with her.

"So. Spill." Martha said, picking up her mug in her perfectly manicured hands and staring at Kate over the rim.

Kate took a long swallow from her mug to mask the heat she could feel rising in her cheeks again and give herself a moment.

"I don't… there's not much to say, really."

She could feel Martha's eyes on her.

"Kate Beckett, are you going to break my son's heart?"

Kate's eyes whipped up to Martha's, and she could see the iron behind the polite smile.

"No. I would never…" she felt her breath catch in her throat, "I would never hurt him."

"Good." Kate relaxed as the steel left Martha's eyes and the good humor returned.

"Are the two of you…" she waved her hand dramatically, "an item…as they say?"

Kate felt her mouth quirk into a small grin that quickly died on her lips as she realized she didn't know. They hadn't actually talked about it.

"I don't…we have a lot of things to work through. We've been talking. I guess we've both…I don't know how to say this exactly… we both…discovered things about the other this weekend? We…both had things we needed to say." Kate thought about Castle's panic attacks and her admission that she had heard him in the cemetery. "Things we were keeping hidden."

Martha gave a huge sigh of relief. "So he finally told you? About everything that's been happening since your shooting?"

Kate looked at her, surprised. "Castle said you didn't know."

"Well of course I know, dear, I was there when he got that phone call from that horrible man about your mother's case. And you can be sure I was against the whole thing. Why he would agree to meet a complete stranger-" Kate heard Martha cut off as she felt dawning horror growing in her eyes.

"Oh." Martha was looking at her in equal horror. "He hasn't told you." It wasn't a question.

"What phone call?" Kate asked, her voice sounding hollow to her own ears.

"You said you had talked. About hidden things. What were you talking about?"

"His panic attacks. What phone call?"

"Richard's having panic attacks?"

"Martha. Tell me. What phone call?"

"Don't, Kate." Kate and Martha both jerked around at the sound of Castle's voice.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading! Best, A.D.<strong>


	14. Chapter 14

**Hidden Wounds: Chapter 14**

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><p>Castle was feeling much better after his shower. He stared at himself in the mirror, giving himself a mental pep talk.<p>

_You can do this. _

He still felt conflicted, nervous, trying to figure out how to make everything in his life fit together. But Kate's words, _one step at a time_, had made him feel better. They were taking steps.

Castle grinned at himself. They were both taking steps. Together. He watched as the grin in the mirror became almost silly. It was ridiculous how happy that made him.

_We can do this._

He relished the ability to think the "we," amazed that it wasn't simply a fantasy.

The grin dropped on the face in the mirror as reality encroached. It may not be a fantasy at that moment, but Castle knew that this new part of their relationship was so very fragile. And he had the means to crush it. This tentative connection had been forged through her trust.

She trusted him. And as every second ticked by he was violating that trust. How could he think of them, really think of them together, when he was keeping something like this from her? That wasn't them together. That was false pretenses.

His face staring back at him began to look desperate. Did it matter that he had a good reason?

Castle snorted. It mattered to him. But that wasn't going to make it better.

He turned on the faucet, splashing some cold water on his face and then grabbing a towel to pat it dry. As he turned off the tap, he could faintly hear voices coming from the loft. He froze for a moment as he realized either his daughter or his mother must have come home early.

Castle swiftly headed into the bedroom to pull on a pair of jeans and grab a t-shirt, trying to hurry. The dramatic flair in the tone of the second voice told him it must be his mother who had returned home unexpectedly. Kate was going to kill him.

He was still pulling his shirt over his head as he walked into the main area of the loft and caught the end of the conversation between Kate and his mother.

His mother was staring at Kate in what he would have described as abject terror.

"What phone call?" Kate's voice was like lead.

"You said you had talked. About hidden things." His mother was obviously panicked. "What were you talking about?"

"His panic attacks. What phone call?" Her tone was clipped, professional. Castle felt as if all the air had been compressed out of his lungs. _No_.

"Richard's having panic attacks?" He heard the confusion in his mother's voice.

"Martha. Tell me. What phone call?" Kate was in full interrogation mode. He saw his mother's anguished expression. As she opened her mouth to respond, Castle finally found his voice.

"Don't, Kate." His voice sounded unnaturally loud in the high-ceilinged loft. Kate and Martha both jerked around to stare at him, his mother in horror, Kate in…actually, he couldn't read her expression.

For a moment, no one moved.

Again, Martha was the first to recover. "Richard, I am so, so sorry. I…we were talking and I-"

"It's ok, mother" he bit out, not wanting her to think he was angry with her, "it's not your fault."

"No," said Kate, "no, it's not." If he hadn't been watching her lips move, he wouldn't have known that the voice was hers. Kate had moved off the stool, standing almost across the room from him, still with that unreadable expression on her face.

"Tell me, Castle." Her voice was soft but the tone was steel. "Tell me you're not working on my mother's case." Castle felt as if the earth had just fallen out from under him. He knew he should speak, knew he should say something. Attempt to deny it, try to re-direct her, anything but just stare at her, dumbfounded.

"Tell me you haven't gotten yourself involved in this mess behind my back." He stared at her stupidly, completely at a loss.

"I-"

"You _don't_ trust me." At her quiet declaration he felt as if his heart would break.

"It's not you I don't trust, Kate."

"Who, then?"

Castle remained silent, despair running through him, willing her to understand.

His mother attempted to intervene. "Kate, dear, maybe we should go sit down, calm down for a minute?"

"No thank you, Martha. I feel perfectly calm." Kate replied, her eyes never leaving Castle's. And her voice _was_ calm. Deadly calm.

She faced him squarely. "You think I will run headfirst into the case again." It wasn't a question. "Which means you have information."

Castle just stared at her, empty. This was it. She knew. She would run. Run away from him. Run at the danger that was still just a menacing, nameless shadow. The guilt and the fear began to build, and he clenched his fists, willing himself not to start shaking.

Kate stared at him for a long time. He held his breath, waiting for her to run, waiting for her to stride out of his life again, trying to bolster his defenses enough to not crumble at her abandonment.

But that didn't happen. Instead Kate crossed the distance between them and shoved him, hard enough to knock him back a step, but not hard enough to knock him off-balance.

"What the hell were you thinking!" She exploded.

Castle raised his hands against the fury in her eyes.

"I know you're upset-"

"Upset? Upset! I'm pissed as hell, Castle. Your mom said you met a complete stranger? With no back-up? When everyone connected to this case ends up dead? That's _stupid_, Castle."

"Kate, I-" Castle tried to interject, even though he knew there was nothing to say.

"No. No! You could have been killed! You think the people who killed my mother, who killed Roy, would let you live because you're _famous_? You have a _family_, Castle. You have a mother," Kate pointed at Martha, who was trying to make herself as small as possible, "and a daughter who would be _devastated_ if anything happened to you."

"You don't understand-"

"No, I _don't_ understand. Do you have a death wish?"

"Do _you_?" Castle countered, finally becoming angry enough to retaliate.

"What do you mean? You asked me to back off, to let this go, even though you knew how much that cost me. And I did. I did that for you, Castle."

"Eventually. The second time." Kate took a step back, eyes furious.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You know what that means!" Castle realized what he had just said and forged ahead, desperate. "And the person who had you shot, Kate? He's still out there!"

"You think I don't know that? You think there's a second that goes by that I don't feel his gaze on the back of my neck?"

"How can you ask me what I was thinking if that's the case? I can't leave it alone, Kate, not when there's someone out there still gunning for you. Not when the only thing between your safety and your death is not in our hands. Don't you understand? I have to finish this."

"You have to finish this?" Kate's eyes narrowed on his and she took a step forward, poking her finger into his chest. He couldn't help the feeling of pride and respect that shot through him at her fierceness. "This is not your fight, Castle. I will not let you do this."

"You won't _let_ me? You don't get to make that decision."

"Richard-" His mother tried to interject.

"Mother, I love you, but please, not now." Out of the corner of his eye he could see his mother, darting anxious glances between the two of them.

"You _will_ stop this Castle, and I will make sure of it, even if I have to put every cop in the city on your ass. You will let this go." Kate's tone was demanding, her eyes flashing.

Castle was angry. Really and truly angry. "Let this go? I don't think so. I will never let this go, Kate, until I finally have you safe." He could hear his voice rising to match hers. "Maybe you should let it go for once!"

"And what am I supposed to do when you get killed Castle? How am I supposed to let it go, then?" She was in his face, shouting, but he didn't flinch, immediately shouting back at her.

"I'm not going to get killed, Kate, I've been careful! I've learned a lot from you! Why can't you just trust me for once? Why can't you let me do this?"

"Because I love you, you big idiot! And you're going to get yourself killed!" Kate practically screamed at him, her chest heaving.

Castle stared, the fever pitch of their argument coming to an abrupt halt at her words.

_She said she loves me._ He stared at her in wonder.

Kate clapped a hand over her mouth, her features contorting in shock and horror.

"Oh god." She gasped. "I didn't mean…"

Castle felt as if the world stopped. _She didn't mean it_. His entire body became instantly heavy, sluggish. _She didn't mean it_. The desolate refrain repeated in his head.

"It's ok." He forced out, having a hard time registering the broken sound as his own voice. "It was the heat of the moment. I know you didn't mean it." Castle took a step back, trying to avoid her gaze, trying to hold himself together.

"No, Rick, stop. I meant that I didn't mean it to come out that way." Kate stepped even closer, her hands coming up to his chest. "I wanted…" she looked down. "I wanted it to be special. When I said it. I didn't…Now the first time I said it was in the middle of an argument."

Castle stared at her, stupefied. So she _did_ love him? _Wait,_ he thought,_ the first time_? That implied she thought there might be more times. That she might say it again. Even after this knock-down drag-out fight? Even after learning his secret?

And she didn't appear to be running. In fact, she was still standing close, her hands on his chest, fingers slightly clutching the fabric of his shirt. He was in shock, unable to move, unable to speak, unable even to breath. His eyes locked on her, unable to kick his brain into any semblance of a working order.

A gentle cough sounded from the kitchen where his mother was still standing by the island. "I'll just…head out…for a bit…maybe have a cigarette."

"You don't smoke," Castle gritted out, never taking his eyes from Kate's face.

"Yes, well, after this conversation, I may need to pick up the habit." He was vaguely aware of his mother moving toward the couch, grabbing her purse and exiting through the front door.

Leaving him and Kate. Alone.

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks again for all your fabulous comments, and, as always, thank you for reading! All the best, A.D.<strong>


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